Trial

Those days are weird - in many respects. On one hand, I'm happier than I've been for a long time - on the other, just like some kind of compensation, there are lots of moments I tend to be melancholic. Those two conditions are - of course - connected ... the happier you are, the more you feel how much you miss when the reason you're happy isn't with you.

I "expect" too much - I know I do every time I like someone. I expect to be seen as I see, I expect the other to react just like I would, and I "expect" that something is "wrong" if the previously written is not the case. And of course I know I can't do that.
I guess the hardest part of friendship is to truly except that your friends are different from you. That their actions don't necessarily reflect the same feelings you would be showing doing what they do, and that you can't see all their reasons even if they seem obvious. Still it's hard to really "believe" in what I "know".
So I'm home, feeling alone, cause someone who's been seeing me like thrice a week for the last few weeks just doesn't this week. And I think about whether I've done something wrong or his feelings for me just changed all of a sudden or why else he's in no mood to see me - and I know it's nonsense, I really do - I just can't stop feeling as if it wasn't, anyway. He's got a new girlfriend, he doesn't have much time - he even suggested to help me today for I asked him when he could, and it was me who told him, it'd be better to postpone since I'm too tired to do that stuff today.
I hate the way I work in those moments, really - I'm constantly looking for signs that the other isn't what I wish/think him to be. I guess I have really good reason - learning from experience you could call it - but what's past after all is past and I can't go on mistrusting people that have never done anything wrong - on the contrary - just because I'm too afraid to risk to be wrong about them. The only good thing is that here, even if I was wrong, the worst that could happen is that I'd be hurt ...

I'll learn in time ...

Clinging to a dream...

If someone would ask me if I'd rather know the truth and be hurt by it - even if in an irreparable way - or live on in ignorance, happy, but unknowing, I'd tell him that I'd prefer the truth nevertheless.
I'm sure, this decision has been thought through by thousands of people but I think the answer a person chooses to it - while neither is "better" or "worse" in essence - tells a lot about him- or herself. I also guess, it's those that would answer like me, that will never stop thinking about their lives or the things that surround them, trying to realize the(ir personal) truth, analyzing what's behind their thoughts and deeds as well as those of others.

I wondered today - how people come and go. I met an acquaintance. He broke up with his girl a few months ago after being with her for quite a while. Now they don't talk anymore. The fact as it is - I don't care too much - but the truth to understand behind this ... that's what scares me.
People meet, they live together, share their thoughts and feelings, they get to know everything about each other - say they "love" each other ... and then become strangers. Out of their lives, out of their hearts, out of their minds. Love doesn't just disappear. You might realize that the love you feel for someone isn't the kind of love that makes a partnership, but it doesn't just evaporate. Humans and their choice of words - hot passion with nothing to back it up, empty minds and empty hearts. They speak words they don't even care to understand.
But I can't blame them - all of them do, after all. It's a kind of silent agreement and all of them know the rules. I do, too - but I can't play by them. I don't speak the words without care and if I do, they last. Souls don't change - just perspectives - and if I find I love, I love the person - not just what I see in him right then.
So I wonder what to expect, what to believe - cause after all, I'm the one playing checkers on their board of chess: I seem to be in the right place, but no one understands my moves and I don't get theirs.

Like nothing else...

Almost five months, my life is still the same - apparently - but in truth it's changed. Very much.
I met someone - he's not my boyfriend, I'm not planning on him to become it - but I love him. And he knows. And even if he doesn't love me back, for I haven't asked him and I don't need to, it feels like he was. He cares about me, spends time with me, helps me when I need him to and he always acts warm towards me - and when he does his eyes show he means it, honest and kind. He feels like light, so calm but full of life, strong and true but thoughtful and caring. This whole life I've never met someone like that - and I hope I'll never lose him. For the first time in ages I feel like the real me again - and it's all because he makes me believe in things again I had stopped believing in a long time ago. Someday I'll tell him all that and I hope it will make him happy, too, for that's what I want him to be - he deserves it.

Long time no see

It's been a while since the last post here and my life's indeed changed a lot. I'm living in my new flat now - a pretty big but yet not too expensive one - I got the second corrector job that I applied for and seemingly everything found some good ending ... seemingly because nothing's ended, yet - and almost nothing is exactly where I want it, yet, either.

Today I'm told to "stop looking for things I can't find and focus on things I know where to find" - letting go ... a human's way of dealing if the bother gets too much.
Letting go indeed is important - I've had to accept that many times in the past - you can't keep everything alive and well forever, no matter how powerful you are ... eventually things will leave or just vanish into nothingness and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. It's those times where you have to let go - but only after you asked yourself and truthfully found that there is no other way ... times, when you actually know you don't have a chance even if you will fight on ... when things no longer are in your hands - but not as an excuse. Not only to "make it stop". My experience shows that the things most precious to me were always found at the end of painful paths and straying from them wouldn't have led me where I finally found them. I don't mind the pain, just the insecurity - my most human side, I guess.
How to explain to someone who refuses to listen to the things he needed to know so he could understand? Not at all - letting go ...

It's raining hard outside - lightnings flash through the sky, thunders roar with them - there's no weather more beautiful than that - when the spray hits you while you're leaning into the wind just outside your window and the air is cool around you, smelling of the water ... I wish I could go to the seaside now, sit on some cliff and look at the crashing waves.
I'll see this as a present for this night.

So far ...

New perspectives?

Last friday I finally did it... I sent an application for a different job - an editor/corrector job at another publishing house. Fact is, that job would be done at home, where I'd get the scripts sent by email, correct them and send them back via email again. I could freely choose when or where I'd like to work and the paying wouldn't be bad, either...
They should have gotten my letter by now - I'm pretty nervous to get their review of my example pages... I SO hope they'll take me. I wouldn't quit on my current job right away (I first need to see how much work I can get done and how much I'll actually get paid after all since it would be project based payment - besides, I wanna make sure that job's going to last before quitting the other one), but it'll be a new perspective...
The publisher I'm currently working for is in quite some crises at the moment (mostly because the leadership seems to think their employees don't need spare time or sleep or any other time-consuming nonsense like that... x_X) and I'm not sure I want to stay with them... at least not if the situation won't change for the better soon AND since I was born night-active rather than day-active, anyway, I could also finally go back to sleeping till 4 or 5 pm and work at night like I used to while I was only studying. That'd be nice...

Well, wish me luck...

Life's not bad...

... it's only situations that suck.
I wish more people could see that...

I got a friend who's been that since we were in Kindergarten (yes that's where we made friends - quite some time ago...) and for a few years now he's been depressive without a break. It's ok to feel bad, it's ok to need help - I don't blame anyone for that since I know it's not really their fault... but in his case I just can't handle it...

For a long time I've been the only one he had told about how he felt and it had been like that for him quite some time even before he told me. I finally convinced him to talk to his family and go to some professional therapist and it seemed to help him a little but now it's getting worse again and once more I am the one he's telling about it... and I wish he wouldn't. I know it's mean to say so and I really feel guilty for not wanting to see him thrice a week, doing stuff with him and so on to try and make him feel better, but I've been through all that and no matter what I did or do, it's always the same: His life is so bad, everything's going wrong and nothing good ever comes his way. He says that if he's looking back there's only bad memories he remembers and that he has one of the most tragic lives he's ever heard of... and I don't get it.

When *I* look back I have lots and lots of memories of days we had fun together doing this and that, I remember him always being good at everything he ever did, about him telling about this one or other girl he had a crush on and the things he told me he did with her that were so great that evening; I know his family almost like my own and know that they are great people - never mad, never shouting, always a smile on their faces, strict but gentle and fair and fun to talk to; I know that he's never had any financial problems, that he lives in a great house that's almost his alone, that he got a car and most of all a bunch of friends who always tried to be there for him - so someone tell me what the hell is so terribly bad about his life? Wanna know his answer? Two friends he used to have (online) stopped playing World of Warcraft with him - and before that it's been one girl he hardly knew that didn't want him as his boyfriend - and before that it was that he didn't know what to study and decided that he was "unliveable" because he couldn't bring himself to do anything but sit at home, that he couldn't bear it mentally (not just back than - ever)...

I'm really sorry, but I just can't talk to him anymore - I don't know what to say to him... There are so many people that got so many problems - REAL problems - that get really hurt by someone they love (truely love because they've known them, been with them...), that don't have anything in life, not even a family, no money, no job, no perspectives cause they long for things they most likely will never be able to get cause their's just no way (not just the illusion that there isn't), like legs while their's are missing - and yet they at least try to cope... all HE does is sit at home, play computer and call me in the middle of the night, shaking from his nerves, telling me "everything" is so bad, but he himself doesn't know what exactly this "everything" is...

A few days ago he called me again - telling me everything's so bad again but he wouldn't tell me what happened - said he couldn't. I finally convinced him to write an email to me and he did yesterday... and it seems his current problem, that's making the world that bad that he can't live in it anymore, is that some girl in World of Warcraft told him, she had fallen in love with him (though she only knew him from some online sessions...) and then decided otherwise...
I really feel bad but I just don't want to listen to that stuff anymore... only thing it makes me want to do is tell him right into his face that he should stop worrying about such nonsensical things and learn to see what good things there are in his life and even better - GET some good things... STRIVE for them... you have to TRY to be happy or you won't be - but I know that will only make it worse so I don't. I don't meet with him anymore - I don't want to and I won't act as if I had fun... we actually HAVE fun at times - whenever he's not talking about those things... but no matter where we are I know that he's always just waiting for some opportunity to talk about that stuff and that takes the fun out of the stuff that actually is supposed to be fun as well...

Well, no conclusion here - I still don't know what's going to happen there but I hope - for him mostly - that he'll someday soon be able to overcome this nothing-but-negative view of life...

Go out and look at some trees in the sun, or the sea when there's a storm, or clouds on a rainy day... fill up your bathtub, light some candles, get some nice music (from a save source not too close to the water...), close your eyes and just relax, or make you room nice and comfy and read a good book, watch a movie, savor those moments... sit in front of a fireplaces and just watch the flames, take a walk in some close wood, travel to a place you've never been before - or one you have been to and felt home at... gosh, the world's full of beauty and peace of mind is something you have to find for yourself - no matter how many bad things there are, it's only up to you to find some good ones that will compensate for them or at least make them bearable...
I don't want to sound like some stoned ex-hippie, but that's my opinion... everyone can find things that make him/her happy at ANY moment in his/her life if he/she can just get him-/herself to look for them... It's ok to feel down for some time if something really bad happened - it's even important for dealing with it - but that can't be a constant condition, and whoever's telling that "everything" is bad is just too lazy or unwilling to open his/her eyes to the truth.

Find your sanctuary and cherish it...

So long,

Sciel

Antilogies and the subtle truth

It's weird, but each time I'm experiencing something that really makes me happy, I inevitably start getting sad as soon as I realize that I acutally am happy right then. It's like a movie that starts plotting itself in my head, taking me to a time far beyond the current moment in which I'll be looking back onto that scene as a memory, all the people in it, except for me, long gone and the happiness from then only a shadow left in my mind. I feel the sadness of this far off moment right then, when I still have everything I'm already mourning to have lost... it's so ridiculous and yet I can't help it...

Have you ever wondered...

... who'd miss you were you gone? I don't necessarily mean dead, but also moving to a different country, enganged in work so that you won't have time to see anyone anymore or simply quitting your inet connection contract so that you'd only be heard of when called or met in person. It's an interesting thought on the other hand, to think about who you'd miss if (s)he was to be gone...
I'm sure you'll find it's only very few you'd really do miss - most of those "losses" won't bother you too much... you might think things like "hey, a pitty I don't see them anymore", but you won't really be sad about it or feel something was taken from you that can't be replaced easily...

I wondered today if that's actually good or bad - this human ability of "forgetting" others we won't see again. After all, everyone has to deal with the loss of people they like or even love sooner or later - people will move away, choose a path in life you can't follow or even die and if we couldn't ever stop missing them, our lives would become unbearably sad, I guess...
On the other hand, it makes me think if I really like those guys indeed or if it's just what they do that keeps them with me - and if they themselves aren't there anymore I'll just find new guys taking their "positions" in my life - doing the same for me their predecessors did before them... and if I feel like that - others will as well, making me this kind of "people" for them - meaning, they won't really care, either.
A sad thought actually, but it doesn't make me sad - just kinda anxious that kind of thing will be the fact for one of the few people I don't see like that. It's a pitty that liking isn't automatically mutual... or it's good, but that's a different story again ;)

Oh and... I was asked if I was really that "insecure" guessing about all the stuff I write about. The answere is no, I'm not. I'm just thinking quite a lot but after all fact is that, in the very most cases, I know exactly what I want or feel or expect or should do. I just do have the opinion that one can only understand things truely if one's looking at them from different perspectives - guessing about what others might feel in the same situation or wondering why oneself is of this or that specific opinion and what other options there could be. I know I talk like I was in doubt but actually the only thing I'm in doubt of is, if I shouldn't be in doubt about my decision - cause I most certainly am not. It's weird to understand, I know, but that's how I work - always have been... and I guess I shouldn't act in a way I am not feeling but it's not like I was pretending - it's just my way of "making sure" I haven't overlooked some other option there was that I'd like even better...

Well, there's also news from the flat-front... and to make it short: I won't be moving too soon. I decided against it for several (also financial but mostly personal) reasons... So much talking about nothing in the end and I kinda feel dumb for I told several people I'd be moving and I really don't feel like explaining why I won't after all, but that can't be helped, I guess. At least I'll have LOTS of money from now on... still little space, though :-/ But it's not like I'm used to living in something different than a (yet very comfortable) mouse-hole :)

I admit, I mostly feel relieved - nice feeling, really :)

A new beginning?!

So, the new year's here and there's been pretty much going on those last weeks...

First, I finally found a flat I'll be moving to during the next four weeks - I hope, at least, since I got some funny letter from the company holding the flat demanding some 23.800 Euros of me till Feb., 20th which I was actually supposed to pay as some kind of loan. Hope that's just some automatically sent letter that didn't know I was going to choose that option...
If everything goes well, I'll be living at my own place March, 1st at latest - can hardly wait, though it's also a bit scary... I'll spend the weekends (most at least) at my parent's house still, but living alone will be strange somehow... never did before.

For something else I'm now fully employed at my company and therefor have even more to do than before... good thing about that all - well, first there's the extra money which makes the moving to my new flat possible to begin with, and then there's also the fact that I'm gonna be sent to some event in Paris at the end of February. I've never been to France so I'm really looking forward to going there. I don't know how long I'll be there - maybe it'll just be a day, but it could also be longer than that - I'll see. Oh and I was promised that this won't be the last journey I'll be making this year...

But like always there's also been some rather bad things happening... Firstly, I - yet again - had to realise that there's still much for me to learn concerning, well... "social behaviour" or rather "social understanding". I got the bad tendency to don't care about people at all or, on the other hand, care about them "too much". It's hard to understand that some people prefer some "surface-scratching friendly relationship" to anything more "close" - or at least I can't understand why people hold up such "insignificant" relationships if they don't hope for them to become secondly named ones... I guess it's not their flaw, but mine - I'm socially disturbed, as it seems... not that I didn't expect that so far...

Other thing that happend (or rather will be happening soon) that's not that great is that despite the payment raise because of the new flat I'll be pretty broke those coming months... there's lots of fees to be paid for re-registering my car, my driver's licence, myself and everything else you have to change when moving... and besides that I'll have to pay the rent, my food and stuff and things like inet connection, TV-fees, electricity and so on myself from now on. Living's expensive x_X

Ok... not very poetic post this time but though I'm pretty contemplative at the moment I actually don't feel like putting feelings into fitting words. I feel kinda exhausted and the fact that I angered/hurt/disappointed/whatever one of my friends (one of those I really see like that) and that there's some pretty feelable distance there now doesn't really make that any better... Ever felt stupid cause you'd have sworn on something that just went on proving itself wrong to you but yet you couldn't change your mind cause everything within you insisted you were right despite all signs against it? If you did you'll know what I mean - and that's how I somehow feel at the moment...

Well then, have a nice week/month.

So far...