Wow, almost two years since I last blogged.
I admit, I kinda lost track of time lately.
I've moved back to the place I lived as a child, back to my parents, for several reasons. Wanting to live with my father wasn't one of them, but it's alright as it is now.
I'm saving on lots of money and did what had been necessary for quite a long time: Make time for myself and my thoughts.
I needed to figure out so many things, but with work always occupying my mind there just wasn't time for it and it slowly made me sick - not only of the way things were, but really sick, physically sick.
I changed that now, work less, have more fun, meet friends and do what I feel I should be doing, spending my time with things that make me happy for real, one especially...
I can't really say I've met a boy since I've known him for a long time, but I've fallen in love with him, anyway... unexpected, but for real.
People here think they fall in love pretty often. I never did. I know when I'm in love and when I'm just fancying somebody for the way he looks, acts or whatever. Never being able to enjoy crushes like others do can make you feel pretty lonely but I've always found that being able to know when you truely want to be with someone was worth that. And not only that, my kind of love isn't exclusively boyfriend-like love. For me there's never been a difference between a really good friend and my boyfriend, except that one was mine at heart and soul only, while the other was mine in every aspect without limitations, and I his. Which means I can enjoy being friends with someone even if I'd love him to be more - it's not two things, it's two levels of the same thing.
Anyway, I enjoy being around this boy more than I've enjoyed anything in the past few years and it does me more good than I can put into words.
I've never been depressed or found that nothing made sense, and I don't think I'll ever be like that, but lately there have been times when I found I had no energy left doing the things I knew I had to do but didn't want to do and it put me in a lot of trouble, especially work-wise. Spending time with him makes it feel alright to do that stuff as well, since I feel I get recompensated for having finished it. It's frustrating to know that even if you finish with everything you dislike to do there's nothing really good to go to when you're done. It's different now, when I know I get to see him twice or even more often a week and we'll have a great evening, cause we always do.
He's the seventh boy ever I felt about this way, the only one in this world I ever felt about that strongly. I never thought I'd love a boy from this world in a way I'd really want to think about spending my life with him, but with this one I do, even if it's only dreams. It's weird for me to feel like this - it's been so long since there even was someone I felt was worth feelings like these... I love and hate the way I'm able to see people. I never get disappointed in ways others do since I know who they are, down at their cores, from the very beginning, but if I meet someone as beautiful as this one, it's hard to accept I can't make him love me the same, not even show him who I am for real. I thought about telling him my story, at least. Maybe I will... when the time is right. I would love for him to know.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Lied truths and fantasies
When I was a child I really lived in this world - conciously. I used to dream and make up stories, but they were never more than a game to spice up my time - I enjoyed imagining they were real and acting as if they were real, but as soon as the game was over, so was the illusion and I never missed it.
When I was a teen fantasy became a kind of sanctuary into which I could flee from the world that surrounded but never understood me. In my dream worlds I was safe from everyone that made me feel bad or insecure in the real one and if I would have had the choice, I would have stayed there forever, even though I still never had doubts they weren't real.
And then the memories set in ... and with that my perception of what is real and what's nothing but a dream changed so much that I myself at times cannot tell the difference for sure anymore. I know that this is some kind of reality, I'm here, I'm real as I am - but in my mind I'm the one I used to be and only that. But also only there. I keep it secret most of the time, probably because I think people wouldn't understand or believe anyway. The one I really am is not better - just different, and in complete accordance with my emotions and actions. I don't like the feeling of being fake too much ... still, would it just be that, I wouldn't care - but there's more to it ...
Very seldom I meet people that get me to act just like I am. They usually notice in some way ... when for once my mind and my actions really fit. When I show them what I am without any shells to cover whatever ... I treat them like I feel I want to, I love them because they make me feel "real" - and then, at some point, I always feel I've been lying to them, subconciously, though actually they are the only ones in this world that ever truely saw me. Why? I've been asking that myself lately - and I guess I know the answer now ... Not because I have been lying to them but because I am afraid that's what they will think once they get to know me "better". I'm afraid they'll only see what I usually show and what I show everyone else and it won't fit what they saw before ... and that they won't feel they've been shown the truth while everyone else gets the lie, but the other way round - as if I had been lying to them and only them.
I'm living in a fantasy world all the time now - and unlike when I was a teen I'm growing so tired of it. It's like everyone was living in this dream world and I was the only one who knows it's not real - and it feels just fake, not comforting or like a sanctuary. Just like nothing here would really matter cause it's not real anyway, and the few ones that might understand ... well, I'm afraid to let them get as "close" or "involved" in my "other life" as to see that fake side of me and get it wrong. The thought alone is insane - but it's human nature to be disappointed rather than try to see what's real, and no matter how different they are, they are always also human.
So far ...
When I was a teen fantasy became a kind of sanctuary into which I could flee from the world that surrounded but never understood me. In my dream worlds I was safe from everyone that made me feel bad or insecure in the real one and if I would have had the choice, I would have stayed there forever, even though I still never had doubts they weren't real.
And then the memories set in ... and with that my perception of what is real and what's nothing but a dream changed so much that I myself at times cannot tell the difference for sure anymore. I know that this is some kind of reality, I'm here, I'm real as I am - but in my mind I'm the one I used to be and only that. But also only there. I keep it secret most of the time, probably because I think people wouldn't understand or believe anyway. The one I really am is not better - just different, and in complete accordance with my emotions and actions. I don't like the feeling of being fake too much ... still, would it just be that, I wouldn't care - but there's more to it ...
Very seldom I meet people that get me to act just like I am. They usually notice in some way ... when for once my mind and my actions really fit. When I show them what I am without any shells to cover whatever ... I treat them like I feel I want to, I love them because they make me feel "real" - and then, at some point, I always feel I've been lying to them, subconciously, though actually they are the only ones in this world that ever truely saw me. Why? I've been asking that myself lately - and I guess I know the answer now ... Not because I have been lying to them but because I am afraid that's what they will think once they get to know me "better". I'm afraid they'll only see what I usually show and what I show everyone else and it won't fit what they saw before ... and that they won't feel they've been shown the truth while everyone else gets the lie, but the other way round - as if I had been lying to them and only them.
I'm living in a fantasy world all the time now - and unlike when I was a teen I'm growing so tired of it. It's like everyone was living in this dream world and I was the only one who knows it's not real - and it feels just fake, not comforting or like a sanctuary. Just like nothing here would really matter cause it's not real anyway, and the few ones that might understand ... well, I'm afraid to let them get as "close" or "involved" in my "other life" as to see that fake side of me and get it wrong. The thought alone is insane - but it's human nature to be disappointed rather than try to see what's real, and no matter how different they are, they are always also human.
So far ...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Conviction
The past weeks have been over so fast and there's so much on my mind right now that it's hard to even put all that's going on into at least barely understandable words ...
Relationships, emotions for others, trust ... when I'm honest with myself it feels as if all those things were just ideas in my head - like theories without any exercises to back them up. I do feel so much - but it's always as if it was only in my head, my heart, my mind ... never finding anything else and thus also never being reflected. People like me very often, but that's different.
I think I've been put to a test today ... or the first part of a series of tests ...
So far I thought that all the things I knew I was able to do, would just the "right" person come by, would never be put to use ... either cause there wasn't even an opportunity for it or - mostly - cause I just didn't want to in the end. It made me wonder whether I really knew what I was talking - or rather thinking - about ... making up scenes all the time, thinking I "know" myself and how I'd react ... but in the end it never happened and I always blamed the others, wondering if it was really their fault. Now I know ... cause for the first time in ages I really do as I always knew I could ... and the only thing that's different is that this time there's someone that feels worth it all.
I can't even put this post the way I feel about it ... but in essence what's important is that there's finally something like a feeling of peace about this part of me again. It's like the deepest core of me, and realizing it's really there and not just something covered up so well that I can't even be sure it exists, is something that's making up for all the pain and uncertainty there's been.
He doubts me all the time - I would, too, would I be in his place. But he's trying me - whether on purpose or not. And I pass. So far. Things feel strange and strangely familiar at the same time - I just hope the outcome ... at least the emotional one ... will be just as familiar.
So long ...
Relationships, emotions for others, trust ... when I'm honest with myself it feels as if all those things were just ideas in my head - like theories without any exercises to back them up. I do feel so much - but it's always as if it was only in my head, my heart, my mind ... never finding anything else and thus also never being reflected. People like me very often, but that's different.
I think I've been put to a test today ... or the first part of a series of tests ...
So far I thought that all the things I knew I was able to do, would just the "right" person come by, would never be put to use ... either cause there wasn't even an opportunity for it or - mostly - cause I just didn't want to in the end. It made me wonder whether I really knew what I was talking - or rather thinking - about ... making up scenes all the time, thinking I "know" myself and how I'd react ... but in the end it never happened and I always blamed the others, wondering if it was really their fault. Now I know ... cause for the first time in ages I really do as I always knew I could ... and the only thing that's different is that this time there's someone that feels worth it all.
I can't even put this post the way I feel about it ... but in essence what's important is that there's finally something like a feeling of peace about this part of me again. It's like the deepest core of me, and realizing it's really there and not just something covered up so well that I can't even be sure it exists, is something that's making up for all the pain and uncertainty there's been.
He doubts me all the time - I would, too, would I be in his place. But he's trying me - whether on purpose or not. And I pass. So far. Things feel strange and strangely familiar at the same time - I just hope the outcome ... at least the emotional one ... will be just as familiar.
So long ...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Resumé
After writing this last entry I read through all the posts here I had writting in the past three years ... and it was funny to see how things I somehow mentioned there turned out in the end ...
A spark of fate ...
The awakening ... was referred to someone I know. He seemed to have so much within him, never letting it out ... it wasn't only that - I thought he might be something he wasn't yet showing ... but he wasn't. And he decided to even enforce the locks on this better part of him. He knows it, even admits to it ... but he knows he only does cause it's the easier way. I am very sorry for that cause I'd have loved to see him take the other way.
Purposes ...
Those special moments - I've had only two since then ... one only very recently. They both proved me right in the end.
My friend and her boyfriend ... they've parted shortly after that. She has someone new now and is very happy with him. I'm glad for her.
The part about needing to be the right person seems to just prove right once more these days - though in a good way for once.
Decisions ...
I took the turn I wanted to - but only a few months ago, and now I am right in the middle of it. It took as long as it took because I needed to make sure ... make sure I really knew what I risked, not make sure I wouldn't lose it in the end. I am now.
What does it take ...
There's two people now - one already for real, one still only in wish ... but for the first time ever last year I found someone that made me feel I wasn't the only one thinking like this. He's proven to be a friend like that - not to me, cause there was no need to, yet, but to others - and I am sure he would to me, too.
A new beginning?!
My "social behaviour" hasn't improved one bit ... but with time I care less and less. I don't know whether that's good or not - but at least I've finally found someone who seems to think along the same lines. It doesn't make me feel more "right" about those things - but it's nice to see someone agree for once.
I also got my new flat - not the one I was talking about but a better one - and I've been living here for more than one and a half years now. I love this place, even though it costs a small fortune each month.
Life's not bad ...
The friend I talked about has now finished his studies and will start to work in Spring - and guess what? He loves his job ... Of course I didn't let him down in the end - like I ever could ... I did tell those things into his face, though. He's still got lots of problems, but it seems he's handling them better with each month to pass - I'm glad for that ... Gosh, I've known him for 23 years now ...
New perspectives?
Job issues still went on after that - but they've finally found an end now, thanks to me finally being able to kick myself in the butt for alwayst trying to be considerate of others ...
Long time no see ...
This post was inspired by someone I know - the one from "A Spark of fate", actually ... and I did let him go - just like I said. Crazy thing was, as soon as I did, he started coming back after me. I don't push him away now, I just don't care anymore - so we are in contact, but I wouldn't miss him if we weren't anymore, either. He still doesn't care to understand what I tried to make him see then ...
Like nothing else...
One of the gladest experiences I've ever had and it still lasts. We're friends now, real ones - and I know I can always count on him. I really do love him - and he's the only one here who ever really appreciated and understood that love doesn't need to be something that's resevered for one person in life only ... after all there's more than one way of loving someone and they don't contradict each other.
Trial
... was about the one I just wrote about. I talked to him ... really, for once overcoming all bad experiences I'd had. He understood and made me see there's nothing to fear, no matter how it seemed at times - I don't remember ever having felt as grateful towards somebody in this world as then, though all it took was a few words and gestures.
Sometimes ...
That spark's become a small fire now. I don't know where it will go from here, but things look very good ...
So, after all ... things really turned out for the better. There still is and always will be trouble - but I'm headed in the right direction. That's good to understand ...
A spark of fate ...
The awakening ... was referred to someone I know. He seemed to have so much within him, never letting it out ... it wasn't only that - I thought he might be something he wasn't yet showing ... but he wasn't. And he decided to even enforce the locks on this better part of him. He knows it, even admits to it ... but he knows he only does cause it's the easier way. I am very sorry for that cause I'd have loved to see him take the other way.
Purposes ...
Those special moments - I've had only two since then ... one only very recently. They both proved me right in the end.
My friend and her boyfriend ... they've parted shortly after that. She has someone new now and is very happy with him. I'm glad for her.
The part about needing to be the right person seems to just prove right once more these days - though in a good way for once.
Decisions ...
I took the turn I wanted to - but only a few months ago, and now I am right in the middle of it. It took as long as it took because I needed to make sure ... make sure I really knew what I risked, not make sure I wouldn't lose it in the end. I am now.
What does it take ...
There's two people now - one already for real, one still only in wish ... but for the first time ever last year I found someone that made me feel I wasn't the only one thinking like this. He's proven to be a friend like that - not to me, cause there was no need to, yet, but to others - and I am sure he would to me, too.
A new beginning?!
My "social behaviour" hasn't improved one bit ... but with time I care less and less. I don't know whether that's good or not - but at least I've finally found someone who seems to think along the same lines. It doesn't make me feel more "right" about those things - but it's nice to see someone agree for once.
I also got my new flat - not the one I was talking about but a better one - and I've been living here for more than one and a half years now. I love this place, even though it costs a small fortune each month.
Life's not bad ...
The friend I talked about has now finished his studies and will start to work in Spring - and guess what? He loves his job ... Of course I didn't let him down in the end - like I ever could ... I did tell those things into his face, though. He's still got lots of problems, but it seems he's handling them better with each month to pass - I'm glad for that ... Gosh, I've known him for 23 years now ...
New perspectives?
Job issues still went on after that - but they've finally found an end now, thanks to me finally being able to kick myself in the butt for alwayst trying to be considerate of others ...
Long time no see ...
This post was inspired by someone I know - the one from "A Spark of fate", actually ... and I did let him go - just like I said. Crazy thing was, as soon as I did, he started coming back after me. I don't push him away now, I just don't care anymore - so we are in contact, but I wouldn't miss him if we weren't anymore, either. He still doesn't care to understand what I tried to make him see then ...
Like nothing else...
One of the gladest experiences I've ever had and it still lasts. We're friends now, real ones - and I know I can always count on him. I really do love him - and he's the only one here who ever really appreciated and understood that love doesn't need to be something that's resevered for one person in life only ... after all there's more than one way of loving someone and they don't contradict each other.
Trial
... was about the one I just wrote about. I talked to him ... really, for once overcoming all bad experiences I'd had. He understood and made me see there's nothing to fear, no matter how it seemed at times - I don't remember ever having felt as grateful towards somebody in this world as then, though all it took was a few words and gestures.
Sometimes ...
That spark's become a small fire now. I don't know where it will go from here, but things look very good ...
So, after all ... things really turned out for the better. There still is and always will be trouble - but I'm headed in the right direction. That's good to understand ...
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