... to make a friend? Is it something in common, shared passions or dreams? A liking for something or similar spirit? Is it trust that just is, without reason or proof - a special connection noone can define? What makes friendship special, can it ever be? What do friends mean to us, what should they be? There's a great difference between friends and those I just like - I insist on this detail, though noone seems to understand. I don't call them my friends if I don't feel they are - I don't insult them, I just tell the truth.
If someone mistakes me just for his mind works different from mine, then what is still left? Nothing but trust... that I "didn't mean to", that I saw it differently. Friendship is trust - the highest form of it. My friends should trust me, I'd never harm them on purpose. "Friendship's no licence to do what you please" - that's what I've been told, but I disagree - it's a licence to the right to always be trusted, even if not understood at some times... to be forgiven and tried to be helped for I might need it - not be let down cause I did something wrong. When people feel worst they do things they don't mean - and just when that happens they'd need a friend to overcome pride or anger and look what's behind that behaviour. Isn't it the greatest betrayel of trust to leave them just then? The more they love you, the more they might hurt you if they feel betrayed or left alone - a desperate, foolish try to make you see... - but the more you are respectively hurt by that, the more you must love them back or you wouldn't care... to part because of that... wouldn't it be insanity?
The year is almost over, Christmas almost here. I don't know why people start to think about others just at this time of the year... I'm always like that - contemplative, giving thoughts to such things... I guess it's the feeling of "warmth" everyone wants to feel at Dec. 24th/25th - the feeling everyone misses if he/she can't find it. I'm missing someone as well... all the time, every day of the year. There's hardly, I'd even say "never", a week I don't at least once shed tears cause the pain gets too much... but I cope... somehow. It can't be helped anyway... the despair alone won't bring him back... The least I owe him is to try not to fall for it, but to hope... after all, we've been through worse.
Merry Christmas to all of you...
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Decisions...
I haven't been writing for a long time. Everything's changing now...
I'm sitting in my car, driving to work, and it takes me through a street with trees beside it and fields beyond them. I look at the mountains in the distance and come to think why I'm doing everything I do... why I'm driving to work every day, though I could do things that would have so much more meaning to me, why I keep on living like I do, though I know what I'd like to change... Things seem so difficult to change, but are they really? Maybe it's just me being afraid - and that makes me worry even more so... that I'm the one - the only thing - that really keeps me from being what I want to be and doing what I want to do. It's hard letting go, but is it always for the worst if you do? Sometimes, certainly - but surely not always... it could be the exact opposit at times - at this time, probably.
I made up my mind to dare the change. I want to trust my longing rather than my insecurity. I won't do it at once and I won't do it without giving thought as to what the consequences will be, but I will do it - a few weeks, a few months... I'll see, but take my chances. Life is for living and I am not - I'm merely existing as it is now. I know it's gonna be hard at first... but I hope that in the end I'll be happier than I am now - proud of what I did.
Wish me luck...
I'm sitting in my car, driving to work, and it takes me through a street with trees beside it and fields beyond them. I look at the mountains in the distance and come to think why I'm doing everything I do... why I'm driving to work every day, though I could do things that would have so much more meaning to me, why I keep on living like I do, though I know what I'd like to change... Things seem so difficult to change, but are they really? Maybe it's just me being afraid - and that makes me worry even more so... that I'm the one - the only thing - that really keeps me from being what I want to be and doing what I want to do. It's hard letting go, but is it always for the worst if you do? Sometimes, certainly - but surely not always... it could be the exact opposit at times - at this time, probably.
I made up my mind to dare the change. I want to trust my longing rather than my insecurity. I won't do it at once and I won't do it without giving thought as to what the consequences will be, but I will do it - a few weeks, a few months... I'll see, but take my chances. Life is for living and I am not - I'm merely existing as it is now. I know it's gonna be hard at first... but I hope that in the end I'll be happier than I am now - proud of what I did.
Wish me luck...
Friday, October 19, 2007
Revelations
Some things seem certain and change faster than you might think, while others seem almost impossible and happen nevertheless. Nothing's ever certain and even if it was - it could be overshadowed by things that might hide its actual meaning for a while, sometimes almost an eternity.
The project I was to finish went better than I would have thought and I'm really relieved to see it finally done. Not only that it actually 'is' finished, now I'll also finally be able to see some things more clearer than I could before... I somehow fear their outcome, though... even though I believe to already know what's to come. 'To accept' is one of the hardest things to learn in this world... and so I'm still trying to fight battles alone that can't be won by just me. I'm not even sure 'accepting' is the right way...
A few days ago I went out at night. It was about 4.30 am, I wore my black hooded velvet coat and was walking through my hometown in the dark. The wind was blowing, some soft rain was falling, and there was noone in the streets but me though I walked right through the center. It felt like walking through a ghost town and I loved the feeling. I got to think again while I was walking, foolishly hiding in dark niches every time a car went by, but for some reason I just didn't want to be seen, even if it was just by some youngsters driving home late... It wasn't because I was afraid, I just wanted to be 'invisible' - like some unnoticed observer in the dark city. I used to do this quite a lot... and every seldom time I do it now, I notice how much more like myself I feel in those hours. I love the dark, the wind, the rain, the faint sound of my steps in the natural quiet, this feeling of being invisible and the solitarity. I don't want to be lonely, but I love to be alone at times, when I see noone around me and still feel to be right in the middle of everyone - like when I used to sit on the rooftop of the house in the city I used to live in as a child, looking down onto the streets far below with hundreds of people passing by without taking notice of me, or when I was hiding in the bushes of some playground to watch all the others toy around, while noone would know I'd also be there... or now, when I'm walking through a sleeping town late at night...
Today was cold. Summer's whispered its last goodbyes and fall finally arrived in full beauty. The trees stand in gleaming reds, yellows and browns, the sunlight gets warmer, the air comes in cool soothing strides and nature gets more silent with every day to pass. Soon the leaves will have fallen and the days, already getting shorter, will be darker, but hopefully accompanied by softly falling snow. If there's true beauty in this world, it can be found by just watching nature itself. It's my sanctuary - close, but in its own way still so far apart from the human world I despise so often... Thinking about those things I find myself longing for someone sharing my thoughts, just a friend that'd understand... The more time passes the more I see that I'll never be able to truly sympathize with 'all the others', and though it's still ok by now, I'm not sure it will always be... after all 'always' is a long way to go...
So far...
The project I was to finish went better than I would have thought and I'm really relieved to see it finally done. Not only that it actually 'is' finished, now I'll also finally be able to see some things more clearer than I could before... I somehow fear their outcome, though... even though I believe to already know what's to come. 'To accept' is one of the hardest things to learn in this world... and so I'm still trying to fight battles alone that can't be won by just me. I'm not even sure 'accepting' is the right way...
A few days ago I went out at night. It was about 4.30 am, I wore my black hooded velvet coat and was walking through my hometown in the dark. The wind was blowing, some soft rain was falling, and there was noone in the streets but me though I walked right through the center. It felt like walking through a ghost town and I loved the feeling. I got to think again while I was walking, foolishly hiding in dark niches every time a car went by, but for some reason I just didn't want to be seen, even if it was just by some youngsters driving home late... It wasn't because I was afraid, I just wanted to be 'invisible' - like some unnoticed observer in the dark city. I used to do this quite a lot... and every seldom time I do it now, I notice how much more like myself I feel in those hours. I love the dark, the wind, the rain, the faint sound of my steps in the natural quiet, this feeling of being invisible and the solitarity. I don't want to be lonely, but I love to be alone at times, when I see noone around me and still feel to be right in the middle of everyone - like when I used to sit on the rooftop of the house in the city I used to live in as a child, looking down onto the streets far below with hundreds of people passing by without taking notice of me, or when I was hiding in the bushes of some playground to watch all the others toy around, while noone would know I'd also be there... or now, when I'm walking through a sleeping town late at night...
Today was cold. Summer's whispered its last goodbyes and fall finally arrived in full beauty. The trees stand in gleaming reds, yellows and browns, the sunlight gets warmer, the air comes in cool soothing strides and nature gets more silent with every day to pass. Soon the leaves will have fallen and the days, already getting shorter, will be darker, but hopefully accompanied by softly falling snow. If there's true beauty in this world, it can be found by just watching nature itself. It's my sanctuary - close, but in its own way still so far apart from the human world I despise so often... Thinking about those things I find myself longing for someone sharing my thoughts, just a friend that'd understand... The more time passes the more I see that I'll never be able to truly sympathize with 'all the others', and though it's still ok by now, I'm not sure it will always be... after all 'always' is a long way to go...
So far...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The up after the downs...
The last three days have been some of the happiest I've had in months... It was just memories I conciously remembered that made them what they were - so simple, yet so meaningful to me... special like nothing else...
I had dreams again... about those memories - serene dreams... and the feeling lingered during daytime. It's weird to notice how such seemingly "little" things can lighten up my time so easily... and how intensely...
Next week I'm also finally going to finish something that's "haunted" me for ages now... I kinda feel guilty that it took so long... and I feel I somehow exploited two good friends with it, though they say they don't feel I did... I, however, hope I'll be able to make it up to them somehow, someday... I'd never have been able to do that on my own and I thank you both - more than I can tell...
So far...
I had dreams again... about those memories - serene dreams... and the feeling lingered during daytime. It's weird to notice how such seemingly "little" things can lighten up my time so easily... and how intensely...
Next week I'm also finally going to finish something that's "haunted" me for ages now... I kinda feel guilty that it took so long... and I feel I somehow exploited two good friends with it, though they say they don't feel I did... I, however, hope I'll be able to make it up to them somehow, someday... I'd never have been able to do that on my own and I thank you both - more than I can tell...
So far...
Friday, October 5, 2007
Random thoughts...
Black isn't a color - it's the absence of light, a state of darkness. I like black. My favorite color is dark purple.
The English word "beautiful" is much more fitting than the German word "Schönheit" which would mean something like "beautiness". "Beautiness" would just refer to the obvious condition of something, "beautiful" means "full of beauty" - the things that are within. Beauty should be within rather than on the outside...
I dyed my hair two weeks ago - black with red/purple highlights. I had to bleach the highlighted parts first since my hair's almost black by nature - now that the color washed out a bit the highlights are kinda dark orange. So now my head reminds me of Halloween.
People always seem to be different in a chat than in reality and the reason isn't that they are acting differently but that humans tend to read their own emotions into the words of the other rather than those of their counterpart - something that can't be done in the real world where facial expressions, tone of voice and gestures support the spoken phrases.
Forcing innocent students to leave the house before 12 a.m. should be prohibited by law. I'm gonna take a shower and then go to bed now - damn university CLOSES at 11.30 a.m. and I have to get one of my testimonials from there tomorrow...
Oh, and fangs are sexy...
Stay sane... or something similar
The English word "beautiful" is much more fitting than the German word "Schönheit" which would mean something like "beautiness". "Beautiness" would just refer to the obvious condition of something, "beautiful" means "full of beauty" - the things that are within. Beauty should be within rather than on the outside...
I dyed my hair two weeks ago - black with red/purple highlights. I had to bleach the highlighted parts first since my hair's almost black by nature - now that the color washed out a bit the highlights are kinda dark orange. So now my head reminds me of Halloween.
People always seem to be different in a chat than in reality and the reason isn't that they are acting differently but that humans tend to read their own emotions into the words of the other rather than those of their counterpart - something that can't be done in the real world where facial expressions, tone of voice and gestures support the spoken phrases.
Forcing innocent students to leave the house before 12 a.m. should be prohibited by law. I'm gonna take a shower and then go to bed now - damn university CLOSES at 11.30 a.m. and I have to get one of my testimonials from there tomorrow...
Oh, and fangs are sexy...
Stay sane... or something similar
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Weird dreams...
One day since I wrote my ongoing rant about family issues and they are still big topic here... but I won't bore you with them again. Today I got some weird dream to share...
I dreamed I was looking for a flat (which I am as you know) and suddenly got a call from a girl I know from my regular visits at my best friend's in Germany. She told me her father got this place close to Vienna noone wants to rent and so I could move in there if I'd like to. I told her that'd be nice but I wouldn't feel good agreeing to that... She tried to persuade me but I wouldn't let her. Afterwards I kinda went and had a look at the house (yeah, it was a house but there was one place on the upper floor that looked exactly like a pic of a cool flat I had found on the inet yesterday which was, however, way to expensive for me) together with some friends. The house was weird (like with landings without banisters on which the "living room" was and so on) but I loved it - and then I noticed why noone would rent that place... there was a kind of ghost haunting the place but that didn't fright me off, that even made the place more attractive to me since I thought that way I at least wouldn't be alone there all the time and we'd surely get along well with time... uhm... yeah :) So I called that girl up telling her I'd changed my mind and would take the place after all. That was the first part of the dream.
The second part took place in some kind of school's or university's locker room where quite a lot of guys were assembled at some kind of party or comming together... I knew a bunch of them but not everyone... some guys from my company, some friends, and funny enough the girlfriend of a friend of mine I hardly ever talked to... she was asking me some "what would you do"-stuff concerning relationships as if we'd be good friends and then went off to get a drink. Some guy came in wanting to tell us something - I walked over to the rest of the crowd standing in front of him and had a lookout for the girl but didn't see her anymore... that's where I woke up. I really don't know what that was about...
Well... I guess there's pretty much on my mind at the moment. Good thing is, unlike for some people I know, for me, sleep is a sanctuary - I only had 2 or 3 bad dreams my entire life and I always feel good as soon as I'm in bed or as long as I'm just half-awaken... it's like all the problems of the world would be turned off for that few hours and I could dive into a world where it's much easier to realize the truth behind my emotions than when I'm awake...
Nice dreams to you, too, so...
I dreamed I was looking for a flat (which I am as you know) and suddenly got a call from a girl I know from my regular visits at my best friend's in Germany. She told me her father got this place close to Vienna noone wants to rent and so I could move in there if I'd like to. I told her that'd be nice but I wouldn't feel good agreeing to that... She tried to persuade me but I wouldn't let her. Afterwards I kinda went and had a look at the house (yeah, it was a house but there was one place on the upper floor that looked exactly like a pic of a cool flat I had found on the inet yesterday which was, however, way to expensive for me) together with some friends. The house was weird (like with landings without banisters on which the "living room" was and so on) but I loved it - and then I noticed why noone would rent that place... there was a kind of ghost haunting the place but that didn't fright me off, that even made the place more attractive to me since I thought that way I at least wouldn't be alone there all the time and we'd surely get along well with time... uhm... yeah :) So I called that girl up telling her I'd changed my mind and would take the place after all. That was the first part of the dream.
The second part took place in some kind of school's or university's locker room where quite a lot of guys were assembled at some kind of party or comming together... I knew a bunch of them but not everyone... some guys from my company, some friends, and funny enough the girlfriend of a friend of mine I hardly ever talked to... she was asking me some "what would you do"-stuff concerning relationships as if we'd be good friends and then went off to get a drink. Some guy came in wanting to tell us something - I walked over to the rest of the crowd standing in front of him and had a lookout for the girl but didn't see her anymore... that's where I woke up. I really don't know what that was about...
Well... I guess there's pretty much on my mind at the moment. Good thing is, unlike for some people I know, for me, sleep is a sanctuary - I only had 2 or 3 bad dreams my entire life and I always feel good as soon as I'm in bed or as long as I'm just half-awaken... it's like all the problems of the world would be turned off for that few hours and I could dive into a world where it's much easier to realize the truth behind my emotions than when I'm awake...
Nice dreams to you, too, so...
Blindness
My mum's a great person. She's kind, loving, warm-hearted, a very good listener and a very very caring person - actually she's even TOO caring. And that's her biggest problem. She's feeling responsible for everything any family member does wrong and always tries to make up for him/her...
My older younger sister (I'm the eldest of three) is the personification of the term "trouble-maker". She's constantly throwing out money and somehow always manages to load it upon my mum (and thus US, since the family budget and my mum's budget are somehow the same...), she's not doing anything you ask her to, but if she's asking for something, my mum's jumping on the spot since she doesn't want her to get into trouble "because of her"... besides, she's living in an own flat with her boyfriend and thus doesn't ever get asked for anything anyway... that's only me - but I'll come to that later...
My dad's almost the same... he's got a job he hates, but doesn't even TRY to get a new one. Problem is, the less he likes his job, the less he earns with it since his boss starts to notice and doesn't assign well-paid tours to him (he's a transport guy driving to different coutries all around Europe), which on the other hand hurts his pride cause my mum's the main earner of the family and demotivates him even more. When he's home all he does is sit in front of his computer and play online chess (that's NOT exaggerated, he really doesn't do anything else - it's crazy, really... he's sitting there playing, watching TV in the background, and we "aren't allowed" to talk around him cause he won't be able to hear the guys on there then... which is a problem, since he's sitting in the living room and there is no other room we could sit together and talk...) Family life is not existing here... and honestly - is it normal for a wife to wish for her husband to be gone rather then being at home for once? My mum does. He's never helping her out with anything, besides cooking once in a while or changing a bulb, and if he does, he afterwards walks around prancing about how great a guy he is, spitting out things like "ain't I good" or "well, how did I do - great, hu?".... praising himself like he'd saved us all from starving... pathetic. And they're fighting all the time... but if I tell her to get divorced she just tells me she can't and that he just is like that - "like that" meaning, he's shouting at her, never saying sorry, making jokes about her that only he finds funny, having his "nice" moments now and then trying to make up for everything, just to start shouting again within hours... he's not really "bad", just really frustrated, since he seemed to have imagined his life like "everything will come to me without me having to do anything for it" and - surprise - it just didn't. And now he's starting to realise he's never going to be rich nor famous nor anything else too special and hates it. A sad fate - and unfortunately not only his but also the one of the ones having to live with him since we have to bear the consequences...
Last but certainly not least is my little sis. I love her, honestly, and she's great - but she's just 14 and not able to do anything to help me except for sometimes spending evenings with me watching TV or the like. She's in a bad situation as well having a familiy like this and still being so young... and she's having troubles in school which leads to - again - troubles with my mum... She'd need what you call a "strong hand" which, however, - as I made clear before - my mum can't provide due to her philosophy of "being nice" to everyone...
Yeah, and then there's me - watching all the madness day by day and getting more insane with the situation as time goes by... What I do? Try not to make contact where I can avoid it with my dad, talk to my smallest sis and try to make her see where she's going wrong as good as I can, reduce the contact with my older younger sister to a minimum (did I mention she's constantly lying to and nicking things from me? I'm talking nice here...) and helping my mother where I can.
"Where I can" - that's the point. I'm listening to my mothers problems with her company (I hadn't even mentioned them, right... she's been working overtime for almost two years constantly now since her company keeps expanding and she and her colleague - yeah, ONE colleague - are getting more and more and more and more to do and still there's no end to be seen... you can imagine the condition of her nerves just because of that...), and it's getting me down... there's never a day I can come home to be surprised with good news or happy faces - it's always just more troubles and my mum being angry or down as well or - in the worst case - my dad shouting around for nothing again. I'm doing the shopping for her, I'm helping out with my little sis (driving her to wherever she needs to be taken, picking her up again, tidying up behind her so it'll be alright when my mum comes home, telling her to do her homework, helping her with it and so on), doing chores from time to time, doing the shopping, and anything else she asks me to do... and I'm never telling what I do without her noticing just to get a thanks. I just want it to be nicer here, I want her to have less stress with everything, not to be praised or something like that. And then there's days like today and I just can't... I need to have one evening off, just being at home, able to do what I want to... and then the catastrophes happen...
I have 4-6 jobs depending on the week. I'm a journalist for about 30-35 hours a week and I'm doing small jobs (always the same five) on the line on weekends and in the evenings, like writing from tape for a guy, working at the local soccer ground's cafe, helping out in a shop not far from here and so on. Besides that, I'm trying to do my bachelor's degree in informatics (I'm almost finished - yeah) and studying Japanese as a second subject. That's just MY stuff. Demanding enough without all the stuff I do here, really... So today, there's this one day I want off and my mum still asks me to help her with this damn 5kg of boletus my dad bought yesterday and left for US to cut and deep-freeze since he had to go on another tour again before he could do it... I agree - not happy but willing to release her of "having" to do everything on her own though it's not her fault and she had had a long working day as well - BUT want some time off first (I'm talking about 2-3 hours...) - and she goes havok, telling me I'd be like my dad, never doing anything in this house and leaving everything to her though she'd have no spare time already.
That's were I got angry... I called here a silly cow (wasn't nice, I know, but telling ME I'd be like my dad...!?) for not noticing what's really going on here and that it'd be her own fault that she'd always feel responsible for everything since no one could ever cope to do that. I also told her I'd have thrown that damn boletus after my dad telling him to do his stuff himself once in a while which only resulted in yet another "you know I can't do that" from her... why not? I'm really getting crazy here...
I hate running away but what has been a feeling of need for some months now finally also became a wish today... I want to move out here. I hate leaving my mum... I know the only reason she's like that is because she can't handle all the pressure she loads upon herself anymore... but she won't listen to me or anyone else and I can't do anything else than try to make her see... I just can't go on like this... it's too much for her and it's definitely also too much for me. She needs to learn to let people feel the consequences of their deeds themselves instead of taking them onto herself to "protect" them - even if she loves them... and I need some space for myself... especially since all this is just one part of my freaky life and not even the most complicated one... my friends reading this will know what I mean.
So... I'm looking for a place to move to now. Flat share would be cool but I'd need to know people that I could share the flat with for that and I don't... so I'm gonna go looking for my own place. I can't afford something too special, but I have to afford something or I'll be going nuts... I would have already if it wasn't for two very dear friends of mine... unfortunately one's living hundreds of km away and the other one's just moved to his own place with his girlfriend... Life's not easy, but, as weird as it may seem, the "even more complicated" part of my life - though actually not really making me happy the way it is now... - keeps me reminded of what's really important... and that makes everything bearable one way or the other...
Sorry for the never-ending rant - it's pretty unusual for me to write posts like that, but the last week's been simply too much and since I had to write that down somewhere I thought I could just as well post it... but you don't have to read it anyway, right? At least it's been raining again - I love that...
So far...
My older younger sister (I'm the eldest of three) is the personification of the term "trouble-maker". She's constantly throwing out money and somehow always manages to load it upon my mum (and thus US, since the family budget and my mum's budget are somehow the same...), she's not doing anything you ask her to, but if she's asking for something, my mum's jumping on the spot since she doesn't want her to get into trouble "because of her"... besides, she's living in an own flat with her boyfriend and thus doesn't ever get asked for anything anyway... that's only me - but I'll come to that later...
My dad's almost the same... he's got a job he hates, but doesn't even TRY to get a new one. Problem is, the less he likes his job, the less he earns with it since his boss starts to notice and doesn't assign well-paid tours to him (he's a transport guy driving to different coutries all around Europe), which on the other hand hurts his pride cause my mum's the main earner of the family and demotivates him even more. When he's home all he does is sit in front of his computer and play online chess (that's NOT exaggerated, he really doesn't do anything else - it's crazy, really... he's sitting there playing, watching TV in the background, and we "aren't allowed" to talk around him cause he won't be able to hear the guys on there then... which is a problem, since he's sitting in the living room and there is no other room we could sit together and talk...) Family life is not existing here... and honestly - is it normal for a wife to wish for her husband to be gone rather then being at home for once? My mum does. He's never helping her out with anything, besides cooking once in a while or changing a bulb, and if he does, he afterwards walks around prancing about how great a guy he is, spitting out things like "ain't I good" or "well, how did I do - great, hu?".... praising himself like he'd saved us all from starving... pathetic. And they're fighting all the time... but if I tell her to get divorced she just tells me she can't and that he just is like that - "like that" meaning, he's shouting at her, never saying sorry, making jokes about her that only he finds funny, having his "nice" moments now and then trying to make up for everything, just to start shouting again within hours... he's not really "bad", just really frustrated, since he seemed to have imagined his life like "everything will come to me without me having to do anything for it" and - surprise - it just didn't. And now he's starting to realise he's never going to be rich nor famous nor anything else too special and hates it. A sad fate - and unfortunately not only his but also the one of the ones having to live with him since we have to bear the consequences...
Last but certainly not least is my little sis. I love her, honestly, and she's great - but she's just 14 and not able to do anything to help me except for sometimes spending evenings with me watching TV or the like. She's in a bad situation as well having a familiy like this and still being so young... and she's having troubles in school which leads to - again - troubles with my mum... She'd need what you call a "strong hand" which, however, - as I made clear before - my mum can't provide due to her philosophy of "being nice" to everyone...
Yeah, and then there's me - watching all the madness day by day and getting more insane with the situation as time goes by... What I do? Try not to make contact where I can avoid it with my dad, talk to my smallest sis and try to make her see where she's going wrong as good as I can, reduce the contact with my older younger sister to a minimum (did I mention she's constantly lying to and nicking things from me? I'm talking nice here...) and helping my mother where I can.
"Where I can" - that's the point. I'm listening to my mothers problems with her company (I hadn't even mentioned them, right... she's been working overtime for almost two years constantly now since her company keeps expanding and she and her colleague - yeah, ONE colleague - are getting more and more and more and more to do and still there's no end to be seen... you can imagine the condition of her nerves just because of that...), and it's getting me down... there's never a day I can come home to be surprised with good news or happy faces - it's always just more troubles and my mum being angry or down as well or - in the worst case - my dad shouting around for nothing again. I'm doing the shopping for her, I'm helping out with my little sis (driving her to wherever she needs to be taken, picking her up again, tidying up behind her so it'll be alright when my mum comes home, telling her to do her homework, helping her with it and so on), doing chores from time to time, doing the shopping, and anything else she asks me to do... and I'm never telling what I do without her noticing just to get a thanks. I just want it to be nicer here, I want her to have less stress with everything, not to be praised or something like that. And then there's days like today and I just can't... I need to have one evening off, just being at home, able to do what I want to... and then the catastrophes happen...
I have 4-6 jobs depending on the week. I'm a journalist for about 30-35 hours a week and I'm doing small jobs (always the same five) on the line on weekends and in the evenings, like writing from tape for a guy, working at the local soccer ground's cafe, helping out in a shop not far from here and so on. Besides that, I'm trying to do my bachelor's degree in informatics (I'm almost finished - yeah) and studying Japanese as a second subject. That's just MY stuff. Demanding enough without all the stuff I do here, really... So today, there's this one day I want off and my mum still asks me to help her with this damn 5kg of boletus my dad bought yesterday and left for US to cut and deep-freeze since he had to go on another tour again before he could do it... I agree - not happy but willing to release her of "having" to do everything on her own though it's not her fault and she had had a long working day as well - BUT want some time off first (I'm talking about 2-3 hours...) - and she goes havok, telling me I'd be like my dad, never doing anything in this house and leaving everything to her though she'd have no spare time already.
That's were I got angry... I called here a silly cow (wasn't nice, I know, but telling ME I'd be like my dad...!?) for not noticing what's really going on here and that it'd be her own fault that she'd always feel responsible for everything since no one could ever cope to do that. I also told her I'd have thrown that damn boletus after my dad telling him to do his stuff himself once in a while which only resulted in yet another "you know I can't do that" from her... why not? I'm really getting crazy here...
I hate running away but what has been a feeling of need for some months now finally also became a wish today... I want to move out here. I hate leaving my mum... I know the only reason she's like that is because she can't handle all the pressure she loads upon herself anymore... but she won't listen to me or anyone else and I can't do anything else than try to make her see... I just can't go on like this... it's too much for her and it's definitely also too much for me. She needs to learn to let people feel the consequences of their deeds themselves instead of taking them onto herself to "protect" them - even if she loves them... and I need some space for myself... especially since all this is just one part of my freaky life and not even the most complicated one... my friends reading this will know what I mean.
So... I'm looking for a place to move to now. Flat share would be cool but I'd need to know people that I could share the flat with for that and I don't... so I'm gonna go looking for my own place. I can't afford something too special, but I have to afford something or I'll be going nuts... I would have already if it wasn't for two very dear friends of mine... unfortunately one's living hundreds of km away and the other one's just moved to his own place with his girlfriend... Life's not easy, but, as weird as it may seem, the "even more complicated" part of my life - though actually not really making me happy the way it is now... - keeps me reminded of what's really important... and that makes everything bearable one way or the other...
Sorry for the never-ending rant - it's pretty unusual for me to write posts like that, but the last week's been simply too much and since I had to write that down somewhere I thought I could just as well post it... but you don't have to read it anyway, right? At least it's been raining again - I love that...
So far...
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The fear to lose...
I just walked downstairs, the house all quiet, everyone but me in bed as usual at this time...
When I left from my room everything was fine, but down there, everything dark and abandoned, the sudden thought that everything will once be like those rooms there... dead and gone... hit me. I don't know why I tought of that, but it was enough to wet my eyes... a weird feeling, so without reason, all of a sudden.
I'm so afraid of death... of losing everything someday - not money or property, but friends, family, even myself - everything I gained in this life, my knowledge, my memories... I'm terrified by the thought to someday find, just to have to lose it all again. I'm not afraid of dying... I'm just afraid of the loss it comes with...
I got some new writing for you as well - not so dark-minded fortunately... It's not finished yet, but enjoy:
When I left from my room everything was fine, but down there, everything dark and abandoned, the sudden thought that everything will once be like those rooms there... dead and gone... hit me. I don't know why I tought of that, but it was enough to wet my eyes... a weird feeling, so without reason, all of a sudden.
I'm so afraid of death... of losing everything someday - not money or property, but friends, family, even myself - everything I gained in this life, my knowledge, my memories... I'm terrified by the thought to someday find, just to have to lose it all again. I'm not afraid of dying... I'm just afraid of the loss it comes with...
I got some new writing for you as well - not so dark-minded fortunately... It's not finished yet, but enjoy:
Cold-swept grief
Sweat-earned relief
Blood-stained freedom
Tear-stained doom
Forever we wonder what we did it for
Forever we know, we wanted it so
Our hearts are betrayers
Our love keeps us near
Silent martyrdom
Sweetest salvation
Forlorn by this world
But not by our hope.
A memory lost to the chasm of doom
Falling Forever
(Down, down, down)
A fleet trick of light to escape the pitch-black
Rising towards morning
(Up to the sky)
Lost is the seeker, forlorn the blessed child
What was is but shadows once day has arrived
Forgive your own weakness, the past is but that
You’ll find your salvation once sun and moon met.
The powerful feeds from the hand of the weak, so stop to be looking and find what you seek.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Purposes...
Very seldomly there's moments that somehow feel... different. You might see someone, hear something, have some thought hit your mind or some image you've never seen before. It's those moments that tell you that this "something" you just noticed has importance - not because you know concerning what, you just feel that it's got to play a part in your life.
The last few days have been an emotional up and down - some hours I'd feel absolutely down, next I'd be the personification of positiveness... all depending on how well I did convincing myself that all that happens is for the best... of whatever... :/
There's something I noticed in more than just one way this last week... not that I didn't know before, but it seemed to be such a general mood among the ones I know and also concerning myself this last week... it's that, no matter how much someone cares about you, if he/she isn't the "right" one, all the efforts don't really seem to matter. They do, of course, because you see they like you, you may be grateful, but it won't really make you feel better after all - it might even make it all worse. It's a terrible truth... hurting the one concerned, hurting the ones giving their best...
My best friend's leaving her parent's house to go to a new school this Sunday. She'll live several hundred kilometers away from there then and the guy she loves and has been with for over a year now won't come with her... he'd like to but he "can't" (long sad story...). She's known it, but of course it's hard to accept once the day really approaches...
Another friend of mine had some pretty bad troubles last week as well, which made me sad for serveral reasons... and last, but not least, I got my own little tumults running high these days - also because of more than one reason... I just hope the general "up" after every "down" period's comming soon...
Ending today's post I got some more "lyrics" I wrote several days ago - I might put them to song indeed, though not to a selfwritten one... I lately had the idea to write lyrics for some Apocalyptica songs - they are (mostly) instrumental rock/metal/epic songs, played with three celi and drums, for everyone who doesn't know them. VERY beautiful and VERY emotional.
As always you're welcome to find your own meaning to them, but I won't tell mine... there you go:
So long then.
The last few days have been an emotional up and down - some hours I'd feel absolutely down, next I'd be the personification of positiveness... all depending on how well I did convincing myself that all that happens is for the best... of whatever... :/
There's something I noticed in more than just one way this last week... not that I didn't know before, but it seemed to be such a general mood among the ones I know and also concerning myself this last week... it's that, no matter how much someone cares about you, if he/she isn't the "right" one, all the efforts don't really seem to matter. They do, of course, because you see they like you, you may be grateful, but it won't really make you feel better after all - it might even make it all worse. It's a terrible truth... hurting the one concerned, hurting the ones giving their best...
My best friend's leaving her parent's house to go to a new school this Sunday. She'll live several hundred kilometers away from there then and the guy she loves and has been with for over a year now won't come with her... he'd like to but he "can't" (long sad story...). She's known it, but of course it's hard to accept once the day really approaches...
Another friend of mine had some pretty bad troubles last week as well, which made me sad for serveral reasons... and last, but not least, I got my own little tumults running high these days - also because of more than one reason... I just hope the general "up" after every "down" period's comming soon...
Ending today's post I got some more "lyrics" I wrote several days ago - I might put them to song indeed, though not to a selfwritten one... I lately had the idea to write lyrics for some Apocalyptica songs - they are (mostly) instrumental rock/metal/epic songs, played with three celi and drums, for everyone who doesn't know them. VERY beautiful and VERY emotional.
As always you're welcome to find your own meaning to them, but I won't tell mine... there you go:
Born from the wishes of longing and doom
Agony calmed by true lover’s hope’s bloom.
Whispering sinners damned by their sun,
Defying their fate, still feeling as one.
See through the clouds, through the mist and the rain
And drink from their beauty, the victims of pain.
Dark skies may enlighten, dead loves may revive
To wander the earth as the shadows of life
The once owning child now a powerless wreck
Living her days as the symbol of strength
Bearing the pain of a hundred decades
Laughing to you through tears born from faith.
So long then.
Monday, September 10, 2007
A season's change
One friend you feel understands you, has things in common with you, thinks similar to you, is bliss beyond any material pleasures you could ever gain. I've been reminded of that lately... the trust you can feel when looking into someone's eyes...
Good things happen, bad things, too, but what's important, is to remember that every pain you feel, every harsh time you may experience, is always just a phase that will someday go by... Everything has its balance and bad things need to happen in order to make you appreciate the good ones, to even create the space for them - that's something I deeply trust in.
Fall has come and rain's been falling for days now... there's no mood the world could reflect I love more than this... stormy, twilit evenings, the cool wind on my skin, the silent whispers of the breeze through trees and the drops on the ground. It's a strange feeling of being understood... like I belonged there - not depressed, but calm and comforted...
It's good to remember how beautiful the world can be all by itself.
Good things happen, bad things, too, but what's important, is to remember that every pain you feel, every harsh time you may experience, is always just a phase that will someday go by... Everything has its balance and bad things need to happen in order to make you appreciate the good ones, to even create the space for them - that's something I deeply trust in.
Fall has come and rain's been falling for days now... there's no mood the world could reflect I love more than this... stormy, twilit evenings, the cool wind on my skin, the silent whispers of the breeze through trees and the drops on the ground. It's a strange feeling of being understood... like I belonged there - not depressed, but calm and comforted...
It's good to remember how beautiful the world can be all by itself.
Monday, September 3, 2007
A spark of fate...
Do you believe in awakenings? Like there's something inside a person, dorment, that someday will rise within him and lead him towards his true self... making him remember who he really is...
I do.
Some days start sad... I know I dreamed about something that touched me last night. I woke up and couldn't remember what it was but the feelings lingered. It's not been the first time.
There's been so much uncertainness those last weeks... I know what I feel I should do, but I'm still afraid... yet I fear that, if I go on the path I follow now, some day there might be no way back.
I have to do what my heart tells me... I always did and I never regretted... it's just that some things are out of my control completely. I can just watch and wait for the truth to unveil... and I don't even know if my notions are right. Those thoughts have been hauting me for so long now... and they're the greatest burden of all - to know but never to be sure unless it happens, never to tell for noone will believe.
Life may be painful at times... but in the end, it will be worth it all. Time knows its way... and sooner or later, everything will be as it is meant to be, how long ever it may take...
I can just be myself.
I do.
Some days start sad... I know I dreamed about something that touched me last night. I woke up and couldn't remember what it was but the feelings lingered. It's not been the first time.
There's been so much uncertainness those last weeks... I know what I feel I should do, but I'm still afraid... yet I fear that, if I go on the path I follow now, some day there might be no way back.
I have to do what my heart tells me... I always did and I never regretted... it's just that some things are out of my control completely. I can just watch and wait for the truth to unveil... and I don't even know if my notions are right. Those thoughts have been hauting me for so long now... and they're the greatest burden of all - to know but never to be sure unless it happens, never to tell for noone will believe.
Life may be painful at times... but in the end, it will be worth it all. Time knows its way... and sooner or later, everything will be as it is meant to be, how long ever it may take...
I can just be myself.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Let the fathoming begin...
I've been thinking about how to start this for some time now... but I reckon I'd best just do it.
Today was the perfect one to start something new...
The air's getting colder, I saw the first crows in the fields beside the road, and the first red and brown leaves caught my eyes this morning, as I drove to work. Winter is coming, fall before it, and with that also my favorite time of the year. I love the cool wind through autumn-colored tree leaves, the warm light that can only be seen during fall afternoons, and the smell the air takes on when the first snow is about to arrive, moist and fresh.
To me, summer is bright, aggressive, hot and busy, but winter is cool, calm and soothing. The world gets quieter, like dorment, still it somehow seems stronger beneath the surface.
I love the feelings that arise within me every year when I notice this first faint signs of the seasons' change.
Last night I wrote... lyrics, I thought first, but for music that's not yet been written. I wouldn't know by whom it should be. I wish I could put my feelings to songs, not only be listening to those of others.
Some excerpt from last night's gain:
What's just words for some, is a script of their life for others.
Words can be interpreted in so many ways and while none of you might read the same things in them as I do, some of you might still see beauty in them because of their own personal way of understanding them. Managing to write in a way that makes that possible - writing words that are vague enough to allow interpretation, yet clear enough to transfer the feelings I had in mind - is what I try to learn and what I adore about writers who already can.
A long "beginning" - but who said it had to be short...
Today was the perfect one to start something new...
The air's getting colder, I saw the first crows in the fields beside the road, and the first red and brown leaves caught my eyes this morning, as I drove to work. Winter is coming, fall before it, and with that also my favorite time of the year. I love the cool wind through autumn-colored tree leaves, the warm light that can only be seen during fall afternoons, and the smell the air takes on when the first snow is about to arrive, moist and fresh.
To me, summer is bright, aggressive, hot and busy, but winter is cool, calm and soothing. The world gets quieter, like dorment, still it somehow seems stronger beneath the surface.
I love the feelings that arise within me every year when I notice this first faint signs of the seasons' change.
Last night I wrote... lyrics, I thought first, but for music that's not yet been written. I wouldn't know by whom it should be. I wish I could put my feelings to songs, not only be listening to those of others.
Some excerpt from last night's gain:
Dark wearying paths, again hopeless tries,
Never-fading longing, a wish to the skies
A spark of fate, a fate full of pain,
Centuries to pass, life’s wisdom to gain.
What's just words for some, is a script of their life for others.
Words can be interpreted in so many ways and while none of you might read the same things in them as I do, some of you might still see beauty in them because of their own personal way of understanding them. Managing to write in a way that makes that possible - writing words that are vague enough to allow interpretation, yet clear enough to transfer the feelings I had in mind - is what I try to learn and what I adore about writers who already can.
A long "beginning" - but who said it had to be short...
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