Trial

Those days are weird - in many respects. On one hand, I'm happier than I've been for a long time - on the other, just like some kind of compensation, there are lots of moments I tend to be melancholic. Those two conditions are - of course - connected ... the happier you are, the more you feel how much you miss when the reason you're happy isn't with you.

I "expect" too much - I know I do every time I like someone. I expect to be seen as I see, I expect the other to react just like I would, and I "expect" that something is "wrong" if the previously written is not the case. And of course I know I can't do that.
I guess the hardest part of friendship is to truly except that your friends are different from you. That their actions don't necessarily reflect the same feelings you would be showing doing what they do, and that you can't see all their reasons even if they seem obvious. Still it's hard to really "believe" in what I "know".
So I'm home, feeling alone, cause someone who's been seeing me like thrice a week for the last few weeks just doesn't this week. And I think about whether I've done something wrong or his feelings for me just changed all of a sudden or why else he's in no mood to see me - and I know it's nonsense, I really do - I just can't stop feeling as if it wasn't, anyway. He's got a new girlfriend, he doesn't have much time - he even suggested to help me today for I asked him when he could, and it was me who told him, it'd be better to postpone since I'm too tired to do that stuff today.
I hate the way I work in those moments, really - I'm constantly looking for signs that the other isn't what I wish/think him to be. I guess I have really good reason - learning from experience you could call it - but what's past after all is past and I can't go on mistrusting people that have never done anything wrong - on the contrary - just because I'm too afraid to risk to be wrong about them. The only good thing is that here, even if I was wrong, the worst that could happen is that I'd be hurt ...

I'll learn in time ...

Clinging to a dream...

If someone would ask me if I'd rather know the truth and be hurt by it - even if in an irreparable way - or live on in ignorance, happy, but unknowing, I'd tell him that I'd prefer the truth nevertheless.
I'm sure, this decision has been thought through by thousands of people but I think the answer a person chooses to it - while neither is "better" or "worse" in essence - tells a lot about him- or herself. I also guess, it's those that would answer like me, that will never stop thinking about their lives or the things that surround them, trying to realize the(ir personal) truth, analyzing what's behind their thoughts and deeds as well as those of others.

I wondered today - how people come and go. I met an acquaintance. He broke up with his girl a few months ago after being with her for quite a while. Now they don't talk anymore. The fact as it is - I don't care too much - but the truth to understand behind this ... that's what scares me.
People meet, they live together, share their thoughts and feelings, they get to know everything about each other - say they "love" each other ... and then become strangers. Out of their lives, out of their hearts, out of their minds. Love doesn't just disappear. You might realize that the love you feel for someone isn't the kind of love that makes a partnership, but it doesn't just evaporate. Humans and their choice of words - hot passion with nothing to back it up, empty minds and empty hearts. They speak words they don't even care to understand.
But I can't blame them - all of them do, after all. It's a kind of silent agreement and all of them know the rules. I do, too - but I can't play by them. I don't speak the words without care and if I do, they last. Souls don't change - just perspectives - and if I find I love, I love the person - not just what I see in him right then.
So I wonder what to expect, what to believe - cause after all, I'm the one playing checkers on their board of chess: I seem to be in the right place, but no one understands my moves and I don't get theirs.

Like nothing else...

Almost five months, my life is still the same - apparently - but in truth it's changed. Very much.
I met someone - he's not my boyfriend, I'm not planning on him to become it - but I love him. And he knows. And even if he doesn't love me back, for I haven't asked him and I don't need to, it feels like he was. He cares about me, spends time with me, helps me when I need him to and he always acts warm towards me - and when he does his eyes show he means it, honest and kind. He feels like light, so calm but full of life, strong and true but thoughtful and caring. This whole life I've never met someone like that - and I hope I'll never lose him. For the first time in ages I feel like the real me again - and it's all because he makes me believe in things again I had stopped believing in a long time ago. Someday I'll tell him all that and I hope it will make him happy, too, for that's what I want him to be - he deserves it.

Long time no see

It's been a while since the last post here and my life's indeed changed a lot. I'm living in my new flat now - a pretty big but yet not too expensive one - I got the second corrector job that I applied for and seemingly everything found some good ending ... seemingly because nothing's ended, yet - and almost nothing is exactly where I want it, yet, either.

Today I'm told to "stop looking for things I can't find and focus on things I know where to find" - letting go ... a human's way of dealing if the bother gets too much.
Letting go indeed is important - I've had to accept that many times in the past - you can't keep everything alive and well forever, no matter how powerful you are ... eventually things will leave or just vanish into nothingness and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. It's those times where you have to let go - but only after you asked yourself and truthfully found that there is no other way ... times, when you actually know you don't have a chance even if you will fight on ... when things no longer are in your hands - but not as an excuse. Not only to "make it stop". My experience shows that the things most precious to me were always found at the end of painful paths and straying from them wouldn't have led me where I finally found them. I don't mind the pain, just the insecurity - my most human side, I guess.
How to explain to someone who refuses to listen to the things he needed to know so he could understand? Not at all - letting go ...

It's raining hard outside - lightnings flash through the sky, thunders roar with them - there's no weather more beautiful than that - when the spray hits you while you're leaning into the wind just outside your window and the air is cool around you, smelling of the water ... I wish I could go to the seaside now, sit on some cliff and look at the crashing waves.
I'll see this as a present for this night.

So far ...