Return

Wow, almost two years since I last blogged.
I admit, I kinda lost track of time lately.
I've moved back to the place I lived as a child, back to my parents, for several reasons. Wanting to live with my father wasn't one of them, but it's alright as it is now.
I'm saving on lots of money and did what had been necessary for quite a long time: Make time for myself and my thoughts.
I needed to figure out so many things, but with work always occupying my mind there just wasn't time for it and it slowly made me sick - not only of the way things were, but really sick, physically sick.
I changed that now, work less, have more fun, meet friends and do what I feel I should be doing, spending my time with things that make me happy for real, one especially...

I can't really say I've met a boy since I've known him for a long time, but I've fallen in love with him, anyway... unexpected, but for real.
People here think they fall in love pretty often. I never did. I know when I'm in love and when I'm just fancying somebody for the way he looks, acts or whatever. Never being able to enjoy crushes like others do can make you feel pretty lonely but I've always found that being able to know when you truely want to be with someone was worth that. And not only that, my kind of love isn't exclusively boyfriend-like love. For me there's never been a difference between a really good friend and my boyfriend, except that one was mine at heart and soul only, while the other was mine in every aspect without limitations, and I his. Which means I can enjoy being friends with someone even if I'd love him to be more - it's not two things, it's two levels of the same thing.
Anyway, I enjoy being around this boy more than I've enjoyed anything in the past few years and it does me more good than I can put into words.
I've never been depressed or found that nothing made sense, and I don't think I'll ever be like that, but lately there have been times when I found I had no energy left doing the things I knew I had to do but didn't want to do and it put me in a lot of trouble, especially work-wise. Spending time with him makes it feel alright to do that stuff as well, since I feel I get recompensated for having finished it. It's frustrating to know that even if you finish with everything you dislike to do there's nothing really good to go to when you're done. It's different now, when I know I get to see him twice or even more often a week and we'll have a great evening, cause we always do.
He's the seventh boy ever I felt about this way, the only one in this world I ever felt about that strongly. I never thought I'd love a boy from this world in a way I'd really want to think about spending my life with him, but with this one I do, even if it's only dreams. It's weird for me to feel like this - it's been so long since there even was someone I felt was worth feelings like these... I love and hate the way I'm able to see people. I never get disappointed in ways others do since I know who they are, down at their cores, from the very beginning, but if I meet someone as beautiful as this one, it's hard to accept I can't make him love me the same, not even show him who I am for real. I thought about telling him my story, at least. Maybe I will... when the time is right. I would love for him to know.