Sometimes ...

... it feels like for one thing you get you have to give another ... or rather something is taken for it.
I've taken some turns lately ... new job, new "perspectives". I thought they'd feel good but they don't. I always try to get away from what I'm doing right then and it's not that I don't know where I want to go from there - it's just that I can't. The path I'd want to choose doesn't exist here - or maybe I just don't see it.

I don't know what I'm gonna head for next - and that's a first. To feel lost feels weird - new in many ways. I am what I am and I'll always stay that way - I don't get depressed, I don't give up on the things I wish for ... but lately I get so very tired of trying and never succeeding. It's "only" been a few years but they've felt longer than all the long ones before - why? Cause everything's different here - and in some twisted way that scares me. I try to reach people and can't, though I always could, I try to figure things out but feel blind in ways I've never been before. That all's getting to me - slowly but shattering.

There's one little spark left in the dark before me - and I'll see how it turns out. I just wish I could ignite it as I used to - instead of just having to wait if it eventually will by itself ...