... who'd miss you were you gone? I don't necessarily mean dead, but also moving to a different country, enganged in work so that you won't have time to see anyone anymore or simply quitting your inet connection contract so that you'd only be heard of when called or met in person. It's an interesting thought on the other hand, to think about who you'd miss if (s)he was to be gone...
I'm sure you'll find it's only very few you'd really do miss - most of those "losses" won't bother you too much... you might think things like "hey, a pitty I don't see them anymore", but you won't really be sad about it or feel something was taken from you that can't be replaced easily...
I wondered today if that's actually good or bad - this human ability of "forgetting" others we won't see again. After all, everyone has to deal with the loss of people they like or even love sooner or later - people will move away, choose a path in life you can't follow or even die and if we couldn't ever stop missing them, our lives would become unbearably sad, I guess...
On the other hand, it makes me think if I really like those guys indeed or if it's just what they do that keeps them with me - and if they themselves aren't there anymore I'll just find new guys taking their "positions" in my life - doing the same for me their predecessors did before them... and if I feel like that - others will as well, making me this kind of "people" for them - meaning, they won't really care, either.
A sad thought actually, but it doesn't make me sad - just kinda anxious that kind of thing will be the fact for one of the few people I don't see like that. It's a pitty that liking isn't automatically mutual... or it's good, but that's a different story again ;)
Oh and... I was asked if I was really that "insecure" guessing about all the stuff I write about. The answere is no, I'm not. I'm just thinking quite a lot but after all fact is that, in the very most cases, I know exactly what I want or feel or expect or should do. I just do have the opinion that one can only understand things truely if one's looking at them from different perspectives - guessing about what others might feel in the same situation or wondering why oneself is of this or that specific opinion and what other options there could be. I know I talk like I was in doubt but actually the only thing I'm in doubt of is, if I shouldn't be in doubt about my decision - cause I most certainly am not. It's weird to understand, I know, but that's how I work - always have been... and I guess I shouldn't act in a way I am not feeling but it's not like I was pretending - it's just my way of "making sure" I haven't overlooked some other option there was that I'd like even better...
Well, there's also news from the flat-front... and to make it short: I won't be moving too soon. I decided against it for several (also financial but mostly personal) reasons... So much talking about nothing in the end and I kinda feel dumb for I told several people I'd be moving and I really don't feel like explaining why I won't after all, but that can't be helped, I guess. At least I'll have LOTS of money from now on... still little space, though :-/ But it's not like I'm used to living in something different than a (yet very comfortable) mouse-hole :)
I admit, I mostly feel relieved - nice feeling, really :)
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
A new beginning?!
So, the new year's here and there's been pretty much going on those last weeks...
First, I finally found a flat I'll be moving to during the next four weeks - I hope, at least, since I got some funny letter from the company holding the flat demanding some 23.800 Euros of me till Feb., 20th which I was actually supposed to pay as some kind of loan. Hope that's just some automatically sent letter that didn't know I was going to choose that option...
If everything goes well, I'll be living at my own place March, 1st at latest - can hardly wait, though it's also a bit scary... I'll spend the weekends (most at least) at my parent's house still, but living alone will be strange somehow... never did before.
For something else I'm now fully employed at my company and therefor have even more to do than before... good thing about that all - well, first there's the extra money which makes the moving to my new flat possible to begin with, and then there's also the fact that I'm gonna be sent to some event in Paris at the end of February. I've never been to France so I'm really looking forward to going there. I don't know how long I'll be there - maybe it'll just be a day, but it could also be longer than that - I'll see. Oh and I was promised that this won't be the last journey I'll be making this year...
But like always there's also been some rather bad things happening... Firstly, I - yet again - had to realise that there's still much for me to learn concerning, well... "social behaviour" or rather "social understanding". I got the bad tendency to don't care about people at all or, on the other hand, care about them "too much". It's hard to understand that some people prefer some "surface-scratching friendly relationship" to anything more "close" - or at least I can't understand why people hold up such "insignificant" relationships if they don't hope for them to become secondly named ones... I guess it's not their flaw, but mine - I'm socially disturbed, as it seems... not that I didn't expect that so far...
Other thing that happend (or rather will be happening soon) that's not that great is that despite the payment raise because of the new flat I'll be pretty broke those coming months... there's lots of fees to be paid for re-registering my car, my driver's licence, myself and everything else you have to change when moving... and besides that I'll have to pay the rent, my food and stuff and things like inet connection, TV-fees, electricity and so on myself from now on. Living's expensive x_X
Ok... not very poetic post this time but though I'm pretty contemplative at the moment I actually don't feel like putting feelings into fitting words. I feel kinda exhausted and the fact that I angered/hurt/disappointed/whatever one of my friends (one of those I really see like that) and that there's some pretty feelable distance there now doesn't really make that any better... Ever felt stupid cause you'd have sworn on something that just went on proving itself wrong to you but yet you couldn't change your mind cause everything within you insisted you were right despite all signs against it? If you did you'll know what I mean - and that's how I somehow feel at the moment...
Well then, have a nice week/month.
So far...
First, I finally found a flat I'll be moving to during the next four weeks - I hope, at least, since I got some funny letter from the company holding the flat demanding some 23.800 Euros of me till Feb., 20th which I was actually supposed to pay as some kind of loan. Hope that's just some automatically sent letter that didn't know I was going to choose that option...
If everything goes well, I'll be living at my own place March, 1st at latest - can hardly wait, though it's also a bit scary... I'll spend the weekends (most at least) at my parent's house still, but living alone will be strange somehow... never did before.
For something else I'm now fully employed at my company and therefor have even more to do than before... good thing about that all - well, first there's the extra money which makes the moving to my new flat possible to begin with, and then there's also the fact that I'm gonna be sent to some event in Paris at the end of February. I've never been to France so I'm really looking forward to going there. I don't know how long I'll be there - maybe it'll just be a day, but it could also be longer than that - I'll see. Oh and I was promised that this won't be the last journey I'll be making this year...
But like always there's also been some rather bad things happening... Firstly, I - yet again - had to realise that there's still much for me to learn concerning, well... "social behaviour" or rather "social understanding". I got the bad tendency to don't care about people at all or, on the other hand, care about them "too much". It's hard to understand that some people prefer some "surface-scratching friendly relationship" to anything more "close" - or at least I can't understand why people hold up such "insignificant" relationships if they don't hope for them to become secondly named ones... I guess it's not their flaw, but mine - I'm socially disturbed, as it seems... not that I didn't expect that so far...
Other thing that happend (or rather will be happening soon) that's not that great is that despite the payment raise because of the new flat I'll be pretty broke those coming months... there's lots of fees to be paid for re-registering my car, my driver's licence, myself and everything else you have to change when moving... and besides that I'll have to pay the rent, my food and stuff and things like inet connection, TV-fees, electricity and so on myself from now on. Living's expensive x_X
Ok... not very poetic post this time but though I'm pretty contemplative at the moment I actually don't feel like putting feelings into fitting words. I feel kinda exhausted and the fact that I angered/hurt/disappointed/whatever one of my friends (one of those I really see like that) and that there's some pretty feelable distance there now doesn't really make that any better... Ever felt stupid cause you'd have sworn on something that just went on proving itself wrong to you but yet you couldn't change your mind cause everything within you insisted you were right despite all signs against it? If you did you'll know what I mean - and that's how I somehow feel at the moment...
Well then, have a nice week/month.
So far...
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