Conviction

The past weeks have been over so fast and there's so much on my mind right now that it's hard to even put all that's going on into at least barely understandable words ...

Relationships, emotions for others, trust ... when I'm honest with myself it feels as if all those things were just ideas in my head - like theories without any exercises to back them up. I do feel so much - but it's always as if it was only in my head, my heart, my mind ... never finding anything else and thus also never being reflected. People like me very often, but that's different.

I think I've been put to a test today ... or the first part of a series of tests ...
So far I thought that all the things I knew I was able to do, would just the "right" person come by, would never be put to use ... either cause there wasn't even an opportunity for it or - mostly - cause I just didn't want to in the end. It made me wonder whether I really knew what I was talking - or rather thinking - about ... making up scenes all the time, thinking I "know" myself and how I'd react ... but in the end it never happened and I always blamed the others, wondering if it was really their fault. Now I know ... cause for the first time in ages I really do as I always knew I could ... and the only thing that's different is that this time there's someone that feels worth it all.

I can't even put this post the way I feel about it ... but in essence what's important is that there's finally something like a feeling of peace about this part of me again. It's like the deepest core of me, and realizing it's really there and not just something covered up so well that I can't even be sure it exists, is something that's making up for all the pain and uncertainty there's been.
He doubts me all the time - I would, too, would I be in his place. But he's trying me - whether on purpose or not. And I pass. So far. Things feel strange and strangely familiar at the same time - I just hope the outcome ... at least the emotional one ... will be just as familiar.

So long ...