Lied truths and fantasies

When I was a child I really lived in this world - conciously. I used to dream and make up stories, but they were never more than a game to spice up my time - I enjoyed imagining they were real and acting as if they were real, but as soon as the game was over, so was the illusion and I never missed it.
When I was a teen fantasy became a kind of sanctuary into which I could flee from the world that surrounded but never understood me. In my dream worlds I was safe from everyone that made me feel bad or insecure in the real one and if I would have had the choice, I would have stayed there forever, even though I still never had doubts they weren't real.

And then the memories set in ... and with that my perception of what is real and what's nothing but a dream changed so much that I myself at times cannot tell the difference for sure anymore. I know that this is some kind of reality, I'm here, I'm real as I am - but in my mind I'm the one I used to be and only that. But also only there. I keep it secret most of the time, probably because I think people wouldn't understand or believe anyway. The one I really am is not better - just different, and in complete accordance with my emotions and actions. I don't like the feeling of being fake too much ... still, would it just be that, I wouldn't care - but there's more to it ...

Very seldom I meet people that get me to act just like I am. They usually notice in some way ... when for once my mind and my actions really fit. When I show them what I am without any shells to cover whatever ... I treat them like I feel I want to, I love them because they make me feel "real" - and then, at some point, I always feel I've been lying to them, subconciously, though actually they are the only ones in this world that ever truely saw me. Why? I've been asking that myself lately - and I guess I know the answer now ... Not because I have been lying to them but because I am afraid that's what they will think once they get to know me "better". I'm afraid they'll only see what I usually show and what I show everyone else and it won't fit what they saw before ... and that they won't feel they've been shown the truth while everyone else gets the lie, but the other way round - as if I had been lying to them and only them.
I'm living in a fantasy world all the time now - and unlike when I was a teen I'm growing so tired of it. It's like everyone was living in this dream world and I was the only one who knows it's not real - and it feels just fake, not comforting or like a sanctuary. Just like nothing here would really matter cause it's not real anyway, and the few ones that might understand ... well, I'm afraid to let them get as "close" or "involved" in my "other life" as to see that fake side of me and get it wrong. The thought alone is insane - but it's human nature to be disappointed rather than try to see what's real, and no matter how different they are, they are always also human.

So far ...

Conviction

The past weeks have been over so fast and there's so much on my mind right now that it's hard to even put all that's going on into at least barely understandable words ...

Relationships, emotions for others, trust ... when I'm honest with myself it feels as if all those things were just ideas in my head - like theories without any exercises to back them up. I do feel so much - but it's always as if it was only in my head, my heart, my mind ... never finding anything else and thus also never being reflected. People like me very often, but that's different.

I think I've been put to a test today ... or the first part of a series of tests ...
So far I thought that all the things I knew I was able to do, would just the "right" person come by, would never be put to use ... either cause there wasn't even an opportunity for it or - mostly - cause I just didn't want to in the end. It made me wonder whether I really knew what I was talking - or rather thinking - about ... making up scenes all the time, thinking I "know" myself and how I'd react ... but in the end it never happened and I always blamed the others, wondering if it was really their fault. Now I know ... cause for the first time in ages I really do as I always knew I could ... and the only thing that's different is that this time there's someone that feels worth it all.

I can't even put this post the way I feel about it ... but in essence what's important is that there's finally something like a feeling of peace about this part of me again. It's like the deepest core of me, and realizing it's really there and not just something covered up so well that I can't even be sure it exists, is something that's making up for all the pain and uncertainty there's been.
He doubts me all the time - I would, too, would I be in his place. But he's trying me - whether on purpose or not. And I pass. So far. Things feel strange and strangely familiar at the same time - I just hope the outcome ... at least the emotional one ... will be just as familiar.

So long ...