Conviction

The past weeks have been over so fast and there's so much on my mind right now that it's hard to even put all that's going on into at least barely understandable words ...

Relationships, emotions for others, trust ... when I'm honest with myself it feels as if all those things were just ideas in my head - like theories without any exercises to back them up. I do feel so much - but it's always as if it was only in my head, my heart, my mind ... never finding anything else and thus also never being reflected. People like me very often, but that's different.

I think I've been put to a test today ... or the first part of a series of tests ...
So far I thought that all the things I knew I was able to do, would just the "right" person come by, would never be put to use ... either cause there wasn't even an opportunity for it or - mostly - cause I just didn't want to in the end. It made me wonder whether I really knew what I was talking - or rather thinking - about ... making up scenes all the time, thinking I "know" myself and how I'd react ... but in the end it never happened and I always blamed the others, wondering if it was really their fault. Now I know ... cause for the first time in ages I really do as I always knew I could ... and the only thing that's different is that this time there's someone that feels worth it all.

I can't even put this post the way I feel about it ... but in essence what's important is that there's finally something like a feeling of peace about this part of me again. It's like the deepest core of me, and realizing it's really there and not just something covered up so well that I can't even be sure it exists, is something that's making up for all the pain and uncertainty there's been.
He doubts me all the time - I would, too, would I be in his place. But he's trying me - whether on purpose or not. And I pass. So far. Things feel strange and strangely familiar at the same time - I just hope the outcome ... at least the emotional one ... will be just as familiar.

So long ...

Resumé

After writing this last entry I read through all the posts here I had writting in the past three years ... and it was funny to see how things I somehow mentioned there turned out in the end ...

A spark of fate ...
The awakening ... was referred to someone I know. He seemed to have so much within him, never letting it out ... it wasn't only that - I thought he might be something he wasn't yet showing ... but he wasn't. And he decided to even enforce the locks on this better part of him. He knows it, even admits to it ... but he knows he only does cause it's the easier way. I am very sorry for that cause I'd have loved to see him take the other way.

Purposes ...
Those special moments - I've had only two since then ... one only very recently. They both proved me right in the end.
My friend and her boyfriend ... they've parted shortly after that. She has someone new now and is very happy with him. I'm glad for her.
The part about needing to be the right person seems to just prove right once more these days - though in a good way for once.

Decisions ...
I took the turn I wanted to - but only a few months ago, and now I am right in the middle of it. It took as long as it took because I needed to make sure ... make sure I really knew what I risked, not make sure I wouldn't lose it in the end. I am now.

What does it take ...
There's two people now - one already for real, one still only in wish ... but for the first time ever last year I found someone that made me feel I wasn't the only one thinking like this. He's proven to be a friend like that - not to me, cause there was no need to, yet, but to others - and I am sure he would to me, too.

A new beginning?!
My "social behaviour" hasn't improved one bit ... but with time I care less and less. I don't know whether that's good or not - but at least I've finally found someone who seems to think along the same lines. It doesn't make me feel more "right" about those things - but it's nice to see someone agree for once.
I also got my new flat - not the one I was talking about but a better one - and I've been living here for more than one and a half years now. I love this place, even though it costs a small fortune each month.

Life's not bad ...
The friend I talked about has now finished his studies and will start to work in Spring - and guess what? He loves his job ... Of course I didn't let him down in the end - like I ever could ... I did tell those things into his face, though. He's still got lots of problems, but it seems he's handling them better with each month to pass - I'm glad for that ... Gosh, I've known him for 23 years now ...

New perspectives?
Job issues still went on after that - but they've finally found an end now, thanks to me finally being able to kick myself in the butt for alwayst trying to be considerate of others ...

Long time no see ...
This post was inspired by someone I know - the one from "A Spark of fate", actually ... and I did let him go - just like I said. Crazy thing was, as soon as I did, he started coming back after me. I don't push him away now, I just don't care anymore - so we are in contact, but I wouldn't miss him if we weren't anymore, either. He still doesn't care to understand what I tried to make him see then ...

Like nothing else...
One of the gladest experiences I've ever had and it still lasts. We're friends now, real ones - and I know I can always count on him. I really do love him - and he's the only one here who ever really appreciated and understood that love doesn't need to be something that's resevered for one person in life only ... after all there's more than one way of loving someone and they don't contradict each other.

Trial
... was about the one I just wrote about. I talked to him ... really, for once overcoming all bad experiences I'd had. He understood and made me see there's nothing to fear, no matter how it seemed at times - I don't remember ever having felt as grateful towards somebody in this world as then, though all it took was a few words and gestures.

Sometimes ...
That spark's become a small fire now. I don't know where it will go from here, but things look very good ...

So, after all ... things really turned out for the better. There still is and always will be trouble - but I'm headed in the right direction. That's good to understand ...

Fallen and found

Tonight I had a rather intense dream ...

I dreamed I was in a kind of very modern plane that flew much higher than any plane ever would in this world. We were close to our destination so the stewardess set for some free fall sequence which was nothing special.
I felt the drop and then the fall, but I didn't mind. It was only when the buildings - also very high but still only a few hundred meters - started to appear on our side that I started to worry about maybe stopping the fall to land. I asked her but she went on with her routine as if nothing was wrong. I watched her till she opened some door on the side and seemed to be planning on jumping onto one of the roofs while the plane would keep falling - like forsake it.
I followed her outside and planned on jumping, too - she just watched me, smiling in some vicious way and I remember being afraid of her pushing me back so that I'd drop between the building and the cabin ... I jumped anyway and only then realized that the cabin had by now been driving along rails and was now hurrying away. Someone from inside called out to the stewardess to stop it and let me back in since there was no way from those roofs and this part of the city to where I needed to go ... but the cabin still went on.
I wasn't worried, only angry about this - cursing this damn place with its limited options, when I suddenly realized I wasn't in this very world anymore, but at some other place - where I knew what to do, had the capabilities I needed, somehow belonged. So I went off that roof to find a group of people, maybe homeless or rather living in this passageway I found them in. There was some kind of screen there, too, and a wall full of technical stuff, like of some very old and large computer. They asked me to stay and I was just about to explain what had happened when some kind of message - obviously coming from someone who had hacked the programme - came in. It was some kind of robot which I knew belonged to that guy in the plane that had called out for me, actually rather was him, controlled by him - my friend. He was looking for me and asked me to check back with him so he would know where I am - which I did with the help of one of the guys there. So he came for me and I was grateful for that, thinking about how he'd always be there whenever I felt lost or something went wrong ...
Rather weird, but really enjoyable.

Things in real life are going rather crazy again as well - but in a very good direction, it seems. I decided to quit my new job again ... There were some really bad things going on in the past few weeks which led to that decision and something that happened only on Friday really made me see that I am not wrong in doing this at all, rather the contrary ... After all, after having disliked my previous job for years and years and never done anything but to cope cause I felt I needed to stay "on the safe side" and couldn't let anybody down, I decided to never do such a thing again ... especially not for the sake of others, even if I do like them. Sacrifice is for friends ... and only them - cause everyone else would let you down just like that as well.

This will be the first December in seven years where I'll only have one job and free weekends - I can't tell how looking forward I am to that.

Unmasking ...

Last week I talked with someone - I don't think we're friends, yet, but I wish we'll be soon ... There's no way to be sure so far but because of what I feel, still I believe he's got the most beautiful of souls, a healthy mind, a healthy heart - for once in this crazy place.

We talked about what he does ... writing songs, putting feelings to lyrics. He told me they were his way of "letting things bleed out" - to find relief. I knew what he meant when he said that ... after all I've wished to do just the same for as long as I know - I somehow do here.

Talking to him feels so very right ... someone who seems so very unhappy about this world but unafraid to accept this pain to stay himself ... just like me, it seems.

I don't know what it means, yet, but I truely feel for him ...