It's been a while since the last post here and my life's indeed changed a lot. I'm living in my new flat now - a pretty big but yet not too expensive one - I got the second corrector job that I applied for and seemingly everything found some good ending ... seemingly because nothing's ended, yet - and almost nothing is exactly where I want it, yet, either.
Today I'm told to "stop looking for things I can't find and focus on things I know where to find" - letting go ... a human's way of dealing if the bother gets too much.
Letting go indeed is important - I've had to accept that many times in the past - you can't keep everything alive and well forever, no matter how powerful you are ... eventually things will leave or just vanish into nothingness and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. It's those times where you have to let go - but only after you asked yourself and truthfully found that there is no other way ... times, when you actually know you don't have a chance even if you will fight on ... when things no longer are in your hands - but not as an excuse. Not only to "make it stop". My experience shows that the things most precious to me were always found at the end of painful paths and straying from them wouldn't have led me where I finally found them. I don't mind the pain, just the insecurity - my most human side, I guess.
How to explain to someone who refuses to listen to the things he needed to know so he could understand? Not at all - letting go ...
It's raining hard outside - lightnings flash through the sky, thunders roar with them - there's no weather more beautiful than that - when the spray hits you while you're leaning into the wind just outside your window and the air is cool around you, smelling of the water ... I wish I could go to the seaside now, sit on some cliff and look at the crashing waves.
I'll see this as a present for this night.
So far ...
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
New perspectives?
Last friday I finally did it... I sent an application for a different job - an editor/corrector job at another publishing house. Fact is, that job would be done at home, where I'd get the scripts sent by email, correct them and send them back via email again. I could freely choose when or where I'd like to work and the paying wouldn't be bad, either...
They should have gotten my letter by now - I'm pretty nervous to get their review of my example pages... I SO hope they'll take me. I wouldn't quit on my current job right away (I first need to see how much work I can get done and how much I'll actually get paid after all since it would be project based payment - besides, I wanna make sure that job's going to last before quitting the other one), but it'll be a new perspective...
The publisher I'm currently working for is in quite some crises at the moment (mostly because the leadership seems to think their employees don't need spare time or sleep or any other time-consuming nonsense like that... x_X) and I'm not sure I want to stay with them... at least not if the situation won't change for the better soon AND since I was born night-active rather than day-active, anyway, I could also finally go back to sleeping till 4 or 5 pm and work at night like I used to while I was only studying. That'd be nice...
Well, wish me luck...
They should have gotten my letter by now - I'm pretty nervous to get their review of my example pages... I SO hope they'll take me. I wouldn't quit on my current job right away (I first need to see how much work I can get done and how much I'll actually get paid after all since it would be project based payment - besides, I wanna make sure that job's going to last before quitting the other one), but it'll be a new perspective...
The publisher I'm currently working for is in quite some crises at the moment (mostly because the leadership seems to think their employees don't need spare time or sleep or any other time-consuming nonsense like that... x_X) and I'm not sure I want to stay with them... at least not if the situation won't change for the better soon AND since I was born night-active rather than day-active, anyway, I could also finally go back to sleeping till 4 or 5 pm and work at night like I used to while I was only studying. That'd be nice...
Well, wish me luck...
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Life's not bad...
... it's only situations that suck.
I wish more people could see that...
I got a friend who's been that since we were in Kindergarten (yes that's where we made friends - quite some time ago...) and for a few years now he's been depressive without a break. It's ok to feel bad, it's ok to need help - I don't blame anyone for that since I know it's not really their fault... but in his case I just can't handle it...
For a long time I've been the only one he had told about how he felt and it had been like that for him quite some time even before he told me. I finally convinced him to talk to his family and go to some professional therapist and it seemed to help him a little but now it's getting worse again and once more I am the one he's telling about it... and I wish he wouldn't. I know it's mean to say so and I really feel guilty for not wanting to see him thrice a week, doing stuff with him and so on to try and make him feel better, but I've been through all that and no matter what I did or do, it's always the same: His life is so bad, everything's going wrong and nothing good ever comes his way. He says that if he's looking back there's only bad memories he remembers and that he has one of the most tragic lives he's ever heard of... and I don't get it.
When *I* look back I have lots and lots of memories of days we had fun together doing this and that, I remember him always being good at everything he ever did, about him telling about this one or other girl he had a crush on and the things he told me he did with her that were so great that evening; I know his family almost like my own and know that they are great people - never mad, never shouting, always a smile on their faces, strict but gentle and fair and fun to talk to; I know that he's never had any financial problems, that he lives in a great house that's almost his alone, that he got a car and most of all a bunch of friends who always tried to be there for him - so someone tell me what the hell is so terribly bad about his life? Wanna know his answer? Two friends he used to have (online) stopped playing World of Warcraft with him - and before that it's been one girl he hardly knew that didn't want him as his boyfriend - and before that it was that he didn't know what to study and decided that he was "unliveable" because he couldn't bring himself to do anything but sit at home, that he couldn't bear it mentally (not just back than - ever)...
I'm really sorry, but I just can't talk to him anymore - I don't know what to say to him... There are so many people that got so many problems - REAL problems - that get really hurt by someone they love (truely love because they've known them, been with them...), that don't have anything in life, not even a family, no money, no job, no perspectives cause they long for things they most likely will never be able to get cause their's just no way (not just the illusion that there isn't), like legs while their's are missing - and yet they at least try to cope... all HE does is sit at home, play computer and call me in the middle of the night, shaking from his nerves, telling me "everything" is so bad, but he himself doesn't know what exactly this "everything" is...
A few days ago he called me again - telling me everything's so bad again but he wouldn't tell me what happened - said he couldn't. I finally convinced him to write an email to me and he did yesterday... and it seems his current problem, that's making the world that bad that he can't live in it anymore, is that some girl in World of Warcraft told him, she had fallen in love with him (though she only knew him from some online sessions...) and then decided otherwise...
I really feel bad but I just don't want to listen to that stuff anymore... only thing it makes me want to do is tell him right into his face that he should stop worrying about such nonsensical things and learn to see what good things there are in his life and even better - GET some good things... STRIVE for them... you have to TRY to be happy or you won't be - but I know that will only make it worse so I don't. I don't meet with him anymore - I don't want to and I won't act as if I had fun... we actually HAVE fun at times - whenever he's not talking about those things... but no matter where we are I know that he's always just waiting for some opportunity to talk about that stuff and that takes the fun out of the stuff that actually is supposed to be fun as well...
Well, no conclusion here - I still don't know what's going to happen there but I hope - for him mostly - that he'll someday soon be able to overcome this nothing-but-negative view of life...
Go out and look at some trees in the sun, or the sea when there's a storm, or clouds on a rainy day... fill up your bathtub, light some candles, get some nice music (from a save source not too close to the water...), close your eyes and just relax, or make you room nice and comfy and read a good book, watch a movie, savor those moments... sit in front of a fireplaces and just watch the flames, take a walk in some close wood, travel to a place you've never been before - or one you have been to and felt home at... gosh, the world's full of beauty and peace of mind is something you have to find for yourself - no matter how many bad things there are, it's only up to you to find some good ones that will compensate for them or at least make them bearable...
I don't want to sound like some stoned ex-hippie, but that's my opinion... everyone can find things that make him/her happy at ANY moment in his/her life if he/she can just get him-/herself to look for them... It's ok to feel down for some time if something really bad happened - it's even important for dealing with it - but that can't be a constant condition, and whoever's telling that "everything" is bad is just too lazy or unwilling to open his/her eyes to the truth.
Find your sanctuary and cherish it...
So long,
Sciel
I wish more people could see that...
I got a friend who's been that since we were in Kindergarten (yes that's where we made friends - quite some time ago...) and for a few years now he's been depressive without a break. It's ok to feel bad, it's ok to need help - I don't blame anyone for that since I know it's not really their fault... but in his case I just can't handle it...
For a long time I've been the only one he had told about how he felt and it had been like that for him quite some time even before he told me. I finally convinced him to talk to his family and go to some professional therapist and it seemed to help him a little but now it's getting worse again and once more I am the one he's telling about it... and I wish he wouldn't. I know it's mean to say so and I really feel guilty for not wanting to see him thrice a week, doing stuff with him and so on to try and make him feel better, but I've been through all that and no matter what I did or do, it's always the same: His life is so bad, everything's going wrong and nothing good ever comes his way. He says that if he's looking back there's only bad memories he remembers and that he has one of the most tragic lives he's ever heard of... and I don't get it.
When *I* look back I have lots and lots of memories of days we had fun together doing this and that, I remember him always being good at everything he ever did, about him telling about this one or other girl he had a crush on and the things he told me he did with her that were so great that evening; I know his family almost like my own and know that they are great people - never mad, never shouting, always a smile on their faces, strict but gentle and fair and fun to talk to; I know that he's never had any financial problems, that he lives in a great house that's almost his alone, that he got a car and most of all a bunch of friends who always tried to be there for him - so someone tell me what the hell is so terribly bad about his life? Wanna know his answer? Two friends he used to have (online) stopped playing World of Warcraft with him - and before that it's been one girl he hardly knew that didn't want him as his boyfriend - and before that it was that he didn't know what to study and decided that he was "unliveable" because he couldn't bring himself to do anything but sit at home, that he couldn't bear it mentally (not just back than - ever)...
I'm really sorry, but I just can't talk to him anymore - I don't know what to say to him... There are so many people that got so many problems - REAL problems - that get really hurt by someone they love (truely love because they've known them, been with them...), that don't have anything in life, not even a family, no money, no job, no perspectives cause they long for things they most likely will never be able to get cause their's just no way (not just the illusion that there isn't), like legs while their's are missing - and yet they at least try to cope... all HE does is sit at home, play computer and call me in the middle of the night, shaking from his nerves, telling me "everything" is so bad, but he himself doesn't know what exactly this "everything" is...
A few days ago he called me again - telling me everything's so bad again but he wouldn't tell me what happened - said he couldn't. I finally convinced him to write an email to me and he did yesterday... and it seems his current problem, that's making the world that bad that he can't live in it anymore, is that some girl in World of Warcraft told him, she had fallen in love with him (though she only knew him from some online sessions...) and then decided otherwise...
I really feel bad but I just don't want to listen to that stuff anymore... only thing it makes me want to do is tell him right into his face that he should stop worrying about such nonsensical things and learn to see what good things there are in his life and even better - GET some good things... STRIVE for them... you have to TRY to be happy or you won't be - but I know that will only make it worse so I don't. I don't meet with him anymore - I don't want to and I won't act as if I had fun... we actually HAVE fun at times - whenever he's not talking about those things... but no matter where we are I know that he's always just waiting for some opportunity to talk about that stuff and that takes the fun out of the stuff that actually is supposed to be fun as well...
Well, no conclusion here - I still don't know what's going to happen there but I hope - for him mostly - that he'll someday soon be able to overcome this nothing-but-negative view of life...
Go out and look at some trees in the sun, or the sea when there's a storm, or clouds on a rainy day... fill up your bathtub, light some candles, get some nice music (from a save source not too close to the water...), close your eyes and just relax, or make you room nice and comfy and read a good book, watch a movie, savor those moments... sit in front of a fireplaces and just watch the flames, take a walk in some close wood, travel to a place you've never been before - or one you have been to and felt home at... gosh, the world's full of beauty and peace of mind is something you have to find for yourself - no matter how many bad things there are, it's only up to you to find some good ones that will compensate for them or at least make them bearable...
I don't want to sound like some stoned ex-hippie, but that's my opinion... everyone can find things that make him/her happy at ANY moment in his/her life if he/she can just get him-/herself to look for them... It's ok to feel down for some time if something really bad happened - it's even important for dealing with it - but that can't be a constant condition, and whoever's telling that "everything" is bad is just too lazy or unwilling to open his/her eyes to the truth.
Find your sanctuary and cherish it...
So long,
Sciel
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Antilogies and the subtle truth
It's weird, but each time I'm experiencing something that really makes me happy, I inevitably start getting sad as soon as I realize that I acutally am happy right then. It's like a movie that starts plotting itself in my head, taking me to a time far beyond the current moment in which I'll be looking back onto that scene as a memory, all the people in it, except for me, long gone and the happiness from then only a shadow left in my mind. I feel the sadness of this far off moment right then, when I still have everything I'm already mourning to have lost... it's so ridiculous and yet I can't help it...
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