Revelations

Some things seem certain and change faster than you might think, while others seem almost impossible and happen nevertheless. Nothing's ever certain and even if it was - it could be overshadowed by things that might hide its actual meaning for a while, sometimes almost an eternity.

The project I was to finish went better than I would have thought and I'm really relieved to see it finally done. Not only that it actually 'is' finished, now I'll also finally be able to see some things more clearer than I could before... I somehow fear their outcome, though... even though I believe to already know what's to come. 'To accept' is one of the hardest things to learn in this world... and so I'm still trying to fight battles alone that can't be won by just me. I'm not even sure 'accepting' is the right way...

A few days ago I went out at night. It was about 4.30 am, I wore my black hooded velvet coat and was walking through my hometown in the dark. The wind was blowing, some soft rain was falling, and there was noone in the streets but me though I walked right through the center. It felt like walking through a ghost town and I loved the feeling. I got to think again while I was walking, foolishly hiding in dark niches every time a car went by, but for some reason I just didn't want to be seen, even if it was just by some youngsters driving home late... It wasn't because I was afraid, I just wanted to be 'invisible' - like some unnoticed observer in the dark city. I used to do this quite a lot... and every seldom time I do it now, I notice how much more like myself I feel in those hours. I love the dark, the wind, the rain, the faint sound of my steps in the natural quiet, this feeling of being invisible and the solitarity. I don't want to be lonely, but I love to be alone at times, when I see noone around me and still feel to be right in the middle of everyone - like when I used to sit on the rooftop of the house in the city I used to live in as a child, looking down onto the streets far below with hundreds of people passing by without taking notice of me, or when I was hiding in the bushes of some playground to watch all the others toy around, while noone would know I'd also be there... or now, when I'm walking through a sleeping town late at night...

Today was cold. Summer's whispered its last goodbyes and fall finally arrived in full beauty. The trees stand in gleaming reds, yellows and browns, the sunlight gets warmer, the air comes in cool soothing strides and nature gets more silent with every day to pass. Soon the leaves will have fallen and the days, already getting shorter, will be darker, but hopefully accompanied by softly falling snow. If there's true beauty in this world, it can be found by just watching nature itself. It's my sanctuary - close, but in its own way still so far apart from the human world I despise so often... Thinking about those things I find myself longing for someone sharing my thoughts, just a friend that'd understand... The more time passes the more I see that I'll never be able to truly sympathize with 'all the others', and though it's still ok by now, I'm not sure it will always be... after all 'always' is a long way to go...

So far...

The up after the downs...

The last three days have been some of the happiest I've had in months... It was just memories I conciously remembered that made them what they were - so simple, yet so meaningful to me... special like nothing else...
I had dreams again... about those memories - serene dreams... and the feeling lingered during daytime. It's weird to notice how such seemingly "little" things can lighten up my time so easily... and how intensely...

Next week I'm also finally going to finish something that's "haunted" me for ages now... I kinda feel guilty that it took so long... and I feel I somehow exploited two good friends with it, though they say they don't feel I did... I, however, hope I'll be able to make it up to them somehow, someday... I'd never have been able to do that on my own and I thank you both - more than I can tell...

So far...

Random thoughts...

Black isn't a color - it's the absence of light, a state of darkness. I like black. My favorite color is dark purple.

The English word "beautiful" is much more fitting than the German word "Schönheit" which would mean something like "beautiness". "Beautiness" would just refer to the obvious condition of something, "beautiful" means "full of beauty" - the things that are within. Beauty should be within rather than on the outside...

I dyed my hair two weeks ago - black with red/purple highlights. I had to bleach the highlighted parts first since my hair's almost black by nature - now that the color washed out a bit the highlights are kinda dark orange. So now my head reminds me of Halloween.

People always seem to be different in a chat than in reality and the reason isn't that they are acting differently but that humans tend to read their own emotions into the words of the other rather than those of their counterpart - something that can't be done in the real world where facial expressions, tone of voice and gestures support the spoken phrases.

Forcing innocent students to leave the house before 12 a.m. should be prohibited by law. I'm gonna take a shower and then go to bed now - damn university CLOSES at 11.30 a.m. and I have to get one of my testimonials from there tomorrow...

Oh, and fangs are sexy...

Stay sane... or something similar

Weird dreams...

One day since I wrote my ongoing rant about family issues and they are still big topic here... but I won't bore you with them again. Today I got some weird dream to share...

I dreamed I was looking for a flat (which I am as you know) and suddenly got a call from a girl I know from my regular visits at my best friend's in Germany. She told me her father got this place close to Vienna noone wants to rent and so I could move in there if I'd like to. I told her that'd be nice but I wouldn't feel good agreeing to that... She tried to persuade me but I wouldn't let her. Afterwards I kinda went and had a look at the house (yeah, it was a house but there was one place on the upper floor that looked exactly like a pic of a cool flat I had found on the inet yesterday which was, however, way to expensive for me) together with some friends. The house was weird (like with landings without banisters on which the "living room" was and so on) but I loved it - and then I noticed why noone would rent that place... there was a kind of ghost haunting the place but that didn't fright me off, that even made the place more attractive to me since I thought that way I at least wouldn't be alone there all the time and we'd surely get along well with time... uhm... yeah :) So I called that girl up telling her I'd changed my mind and would take the place after all. That was the first part of the dream.
The second part took place in some kind of school's or university's locker room where quite a lot of guys were assembled at some kind of party or comming together... I knew a bunch of them but not everyone... some guys from my company, some friends, and funny enough the girlfriend of a friend of mine I hardly ever talked to... she was asking me some "what would you do"-stuff concerning relationships as if we'd be good friends and then went off to get a drink. Some guy came in wanting to tell us something - I walked over to the rest of the crowd standing in front of him and had a lookout for the girl but didn't see her anymore... that's where I woke up. I really don't know what that was about...

Well... I guess there's pretty much on my mind at the moment. Good thing is, unlike for some people I know, for me, sleep is a sanctuary - I only had 2 or 3 bad dreams my entire life and I always feel good as soon as I'm in bed or as long as I'm just half-awaken... it's like all the problems of the world would be turned off for that few hours and I could dive into a world where it's much easier to realize the truth behind my emotions than when I'm awake...

Nice dreams to you, too, so...